Looking back Into the Desert

This is a journal entry I wrote during my journey into the desert in 2010. I wrote it on the 24th day of my journey (my journey was 141 days).

I took another step into the desert, and this is what I saw:
You (Jesus) standing, waiting for me, ever so patiently.
You took me by the hand, which I offered gingerly,
then swept me off my feet, unexpectedly.
I laughed as You carried me, clinging round your neck. I didn't see the desert as You spun me around, still in Your arms.
At last You set me down, but never left my side,
arm around my shoulders, walking in stride.
I questioned why I did not see the desert and this is what You said,
"My desert doesn't look like yours, I ravish you instead.
It is My time to be with you, but you must listen, My bride.
My word, Body, silence and prayer will be your guide.
Will you go deeper with Me now? Deeper than before?"
Tears of joy ran down my face,
as I realized that submitting myself to His love and receiving His grace,
are only difficult when I make it that way.
"Yes." I replied, how could say 'no'?
He is the lover of my soul.
The one I always wanted, right in front of me. To deny Him would be a denial of who I am: a beautifully created daughter of God.
To be romanced by Him would be divine. How can I say no?
I was happy with Him in that moment in the "desert", if I let Him in more often, would I not have greater joy and peace?
No, I cannot say no.
So You'll hear me say, penetrate my soul.

Love: Feeling or Will?

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I find myself swinging from determined to despairing. In one moment, knowing God has led me here and will continue to walk with/carry me, and the next moment, afraid God won't "keep His end of the deal". It's scary to die even more to myself, letting go of what I think I need from my husband, or what others tell me I need from him. Because really, all I need comes from Jesus.

If anyone tried to tell me how much suffering there is in marriage as we (hopefully) learn to surrender ourselves to God more than we ever imagined necessary, I didn't understand. But the pain is worse when we don't cling to God and instead cling our own selfish desires or rely on our spouse to make us happy. That's not marriage! My husband isn't here to make me happy, he's here to make me holy!

Love isn't a feeling. Feelings come and go, they are fickle.

Love is an act of the will: a choice one makes every day to love another regardless of feeling like you love them or if you loved by them.

How do we choose to love when our spouse hurts us (unknowingly)? It's so easy to slip into self pity, defensiveness, depression, self-sabotage, anger/resentment towards your spouse, a victim, etc. What do you do to pick yourself up and keep loving??

I am still searching for answers. But I do know where to find those answers. On my knees, asking God for a LOT of grace.

Feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. How do get past the momentary feelings and love your spouse even when it hurts?