Into the Desert: In Adoration

Be still my heart, be silent. Quiet you, mind. You will only be restless until you rest in Him. You will be held captive, unless you let Him set you free. You will remain a sinner until you let Him make you a saint. Put aside the worries of the day, empty your burden into the hands of our Lord. Wipe the tears from my face... dwell in me, have Your way with me.

Oh that we could only recognize the mystery, the unique opportunity we have in Adoration. To be in Your presence! Praise Jesus who bridged the gap, who tore the veil... So that we could experience You! This is where I find my ecstasy... completely consumed by Jesus Christ; completely consumed by His unfailing Love.

This is the moment, this is the time. Set my heart on fire, let it burn only for You. Ecstasy!

(Here is the dictionary definition of ecstasy: 1. Intense joy or delight. 2. A state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond rational thought and self-control: an ecstasy of rage. 3. The trance, frenzy, or rapture associated with mystic or prophetic exaltation.)

This is what I experience when I am on my knees, intensely praying before our Lord in Adoration. Ecstasy!!! Oh... what love He pours out, this great Lover of my Soul. The Only Lover of my Soul.

Who needs drugs (including 'ecstasy'), alcohol, cigarettes, sex, etc... when this ecstasy that I experience... when we are ALL created to experience this kind of union with our Creator? We are all called, but few respond. If only they knew... if only they realized that they would wake up without a hangover, sickness, death, or a broken heart... If only they knew that they could wake up with joy, knowing they are fulfilled by union with Jesus! If only....

Into the Desert: Who Am I?

The other night, as I was kicking myself for all the times I repeat sins that I want to be free of, I realized something.... Abouna actually has the credit for this idea in my head, and that is this:

Some of my gravest sins are committed with that which is meant to be my greatest gifts from God. In other words, I don't know how to use the gifts God has given me yet, the only thing I know about them is what I've been taught by the world. Therefore, the only thing I can do with my gifts is misuse them. If that makes any sense.

As a result: I am a complete and utter disaster! My idea of my gifts are a mess; twisted so much that I cannot even recognize them. I am not me, I am not free. Then to top it off, when I realize what is going on, I go to confession, get rid of the sin, and then noncommittally tell the Lord I'll do better next time. That's when I need to read and pay attention to Luke 11:24-26 (Read it!). The demons which dwelt within me leave, and upon finding no place to rest, it returns and finds the place (me) clean and brings seven more that are stronger to dwell there.

This brings an attitude. A bad one too. "I can't do it!" Like a little kid I cry to God. But you know what? He believes in me. He TRUSTS me. He trusts that I will do the right thing because He knows I CAN. That is the Truth. Now I just have to learn to accept it.... And that's a completely different story.

Into the Desert: October

In the last several years, I've realized that October is a difficult month for me. Perhaps it is because of the changing seasons, warm summers shifting to cool, and sometimes wet, autumns. Often, I find myself running from the inevitable: Summer's end. It's my favorite season of the year, although I like the other three seasons almost as well. Perhaps though, it is more spiritual. In the summer, I rejoice in the sunshine and warm weather. When autumn arrives, however, I welcome it with much less enthusiasm, I am less thankful. Even depressed. Throw into the mix making some tough (and painful) decisions, and Elizabeth is a mess... Thank God for His grace and mercy.

What does this have to do with my journey into the desert? I don't know. Honestly, I'm searching for answers just as much as the rest of you. And funny how, as I type this, the very words I am writing are playing in a song immediately after I type each word. "I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape, and I'll trust You God with where I am and believe that You will have Your way" (Britt Nicole). Good song; fully expresses where I am and how I'm feeling right now. God speaks to me through songs a lot.

Guess God is asking (reminding) me to trust Him. It's hard sometimes, you know? Putting my life into the hands of Someone we can't physically see... I mean, we can see signs of Him in all of His creation, especially in each other. So... I guess I'll ask God to carry me through this difficult month and help, rather, teach me to trust Him.

Into the Desert: Loving God

I went to California for a wedding, rather, the wedding of two of my dearest of friends. While there, I had a conversation with the bride's aunt about God's love for us. What she said was so simple, so true, and so obvious that it should not have been profound if I had realized it myself. But I didn't. She said, "God wants us to love Him for who He is." That's it. So simple, yet so profound. It's no wonder we have such a difficult time understanding God when we don't take the time to get to know Him.
So how can we get to know Him to love Him? Well, as a devout Catholic, there are two concrete ways. One is reading the Word, the other is receiving the Eucharist. Both need to be supplemented with prayer. This is what I have been thinking and praying about over the last couple of days and I will continue to meditate on it for some time.
Don't let me forget to tell you about sinning against the Holy Spirit in my next blog. I pray God's blessing on all of you and that hopefully, God is using me to reach you. My heart burns for yours.

Into the Desert: A Divine Romance

The following is what I wrote in my journal today. I wanted to share it with you so that you can see how amazing the desert actually is and hopefully, desire to go there yourselves. Just remember, all our journeys are different, so don't expect what I'm experiencing, to happen to you too.

(Just a note: When I write, it is usually a conversation, so I will refer to God as You.)

I took another step into the desert and this is what I saw: You standing, waiting for me, ever so patiently. You took me by the hand, which I offered gingerly; then swept me off my feet, unexpectedly. We walked through the rain. I laughed as You carried me, clinging round Your neck. Surrounding us, I saw a narrow path through green... trees, grass, colorful little flowers dotting a field of green with the bright sun in the blue sky. I didn't see a desert at all as You spun me around, still in Your arms. At last You set me down, but never left my side, arm around my shoulders, walking in stride. I questioned why I did not see the desert and this is what You said, "My desert does not look like yours, I ravish you instead. It is My time to be with you, to romance you if you wish, but you must listen to Me, My bride. Silence and prayer will be your guide, as well as My Word and Flesh. Will you go deeper with Me now? Deeper than before?"

Tears of joy ran down my face as I realized that submitting myself to His love and receiving His grace are only difficult when I make it that way. "Yes." I replied, how could I say 'no'? He is the lover I have always wanted, always needed and has always been right in front of me. To deny Him would be a denial of myself and who I am; a beautifully created daughter of God.

To be romanced by Him would be divine! How can I say no? I was happy and at peace with Him in that moment in the "desert", if I let Him more often, would I not have even greater joy and peace? No, I cannot say no. So You'll hear me say, "Lord, have Your way with me. Penetrate my soul."

Into the Desert: Beginning the Journey

Have you ever been called into the desert by God? It's kind of intimidating. I've heard the call more than once, but have pretty much run from it every time. The last time I heard the call was different. I was in Mass, on my knees in prayer when I heard a nearly audible "GO". I was like, go where? Then I saw it, in my mind. A narrow pathway leading straight into the desert (insert dramatic music here). That was on August 1st. Since then I have started, stopped, started again, run away, crawled back.... Wonder if I'll ever figure this out??

I started out asking the Lord to help me to accept His love, which I was having a really difficult time doing. Last Sunday, however, I had a divine revelation (yes!), it is not so much accepting as it is submitting. Since this realization, I have had a bit easier time accepting God's love for me, though it's still a challenge.

The first week, I laid out a plan to aid me in my journey. The following is a list of steps I'm taking to try to get to and stay in the desert with the Lord until... whenever. ;)

1. Attend Mass regularly. This does not mean just on Sunday. I try to go ever Monday and Tuesday, and hopefully Wednesday or Friday if I can.

2. Go to Adoration. I am trying to do this every Thursday after work, but sometimes I forget and get home before I remember. Perhaps it would be good to choose at least one other day of the week to go as well.

3. Read the Bible. This is hard. I don't read it enough. I'm starting with the goal of reading it once a week, and that doesn't include hearing the readings at Mass.

4. Read other literature that will assist me on my journey. I'm currently reading "The Road Less Traveled", "Deep Conversion Deep Prayer" and "Living Your Strengths". The second book has been the most helpful by far.

And finally...
5. Spend at least 15 minutes a day in prayer. I'm actually aiming for an hour, but if I don't make it, then I get discouraged and feel like I'm not making any progress. So 15 minutes is a little more attainable for me.

In my next blog, I will talk about my experience in the desert and hopefully it will encourage you to go into the desert as well. As my priest says, the Lord will ravish you in the desert. (Definition of ravish: To overwhelm with emotion; enrapture).

Coming Back

When I started this blog over a year ago, I was so sure that I would write more. But it's been a difficult year, between work, a relationship, and changing living situations. I had little spare time to actually do anything and when I finally did have free time, I felt too tired and unmotivated, not to mention I had no energy to think and I didn't spend much time in silence just listening.

So... now that I do have time, and more rest, and feel better overall... I feel my muse coming back, slowly, but enough to the point where, if I don't start writing again, I'm going to explode! ;) Anyway... now that I've spent nearly two paragraphs talking about unimportant things, I'll get to my point, thoughts from this evening.

Have you ever seen the move "P.S. I Love You"? Despite a couple of suggestive scenes, some inappropriate language, and kissing seems to be nonchalant, it's message holds real weight in our lives. If you have not yet seen it, watch it before reading the rest of this blog unless you don't mind me spoiling the 'surprise' in the movie. Last chance.... it's really worth watching.

The movie is about a young married couple who, though they are going through some hard times, are very much in love with one another. Then, the unimaginable happens, one of them dies. As one may expect, the spouse left behind goes through a very difficult time, searching for answers. I watched this movie tonight, not knowing anything about it, not knowing that it was about a loved one dying. I have never lost a loved one, but I have a friend who is losing a loved one right now.

As I reflected on what I saw in the movie and what my friend is going through, I realized I haven't the slightest idea what it would be like to watch someone I love so much, leave this life. (I must mention here that I work in a retirement home and I hear about death all the time, only once have I actually touched a body after death). What would I do, how would I react if I lost someone I loved? Would I stay strong? Would I fall to pieces? Would be mad at God, asking Him how could allow such an "awful" thing to happen? Would I scream or seclude myself? Would I turn to someone for support or act irrational? Or would I cry my tears and, after wiping them away, recognize that everything happens for a reason?

It makes me want to appreciate every day, every person, every gift, and blessing that God has given me. It makes me want to live my life to the fullest, so that, no matter when it is my time to say goodbye to to someone that I love or this world, I will be at peace, knowing that I loved and allowed the Lord to make me into the woman He created me to be. I thank God for YOU.

"For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain" - St. Paul - Phil 1:21

God Bless you all my brothers and sisters in Christ!

The Lie

Last week, a Priest helped me to identify the source, or spring, which feeds all my sins. He did not know where this source came from except that it was some lie that I had believed when I was younger and has convinced me that I am that type of person, whatever that type is.

Last night, I realized what the lie was and is. It has been alive in me for more than a decade, if not nearly two decades. I am finally set free from this lie! I have named it and told it the truth, the Truth of the Word of God. I am FREE!!! :)

What is the source of your sin? Has someone important in your life decided that you were a certain way when you were young and you believed it? Not knowing that there could be more beyond what you have been told, you (like me) continue living your life after that point believing and living as if what you were told is absolute, unchangeable 'truth'. Maybe you've even told you're friends "Well this is the way I am so you better accept me as I am or you aren't my friend". Did you ever think that just maybe, it isn't true?

I know, you're whole world is caving in around you right now. I know what you're thinking... Here is a 27 year old girl telling me that after nearly two decades of struggle, she is finally figuring out who she really is for the first time. Wonder what I have to look forward to in my life... What am I supposed to do about it?

Well Christian, let me ask you this: How much do you really desire to know yourself? Not at all? A little? A lot? Completely? If you are at all uncertain whether you really want to know, you must pray. Ask God if He wants to reveal to you anything you don't know about yourself or something that you believe is you but really is something else. Don't give up. He will answer in His time. If you don't believe, pray for faith. It's worked for me during two completely different times in my life (including right now).

If you are certain you really want to know, you must pray. Ask God to make you into the man or woman that you were created to be. I warn you, He will answer you're prayer. And sometimes, it is painful. You will want to run. But I urge you, keep going Christian. After the pain, there is great healing and joy waiting for you. If you keep going, it will be a victory at the end, not emptiness. You will be given the strength to endure. You will be given the grace to conquer whatever comes into your path. But remember, pray always.

When your walk in life gets tough, remember one of the greatest saints we know. St. John Vianney was a less-than ordinary man. He was not very bright, but God still called him to the priesthood. He battled Satan his whole life. His was Thwarted over and over again. Yet, he prayed to God, most humbly, knowing his shortcomings and surrendering his life always for the souls of his children (the people of his parish). At the end of his life, the devil was conquered and thus God saved him and many others whose lives were transformed by St. Vianney's devotion to God and His people.

Brothers and sisters, I hope that I can be a source of encouragement for in this walk of life. I know the struggle, I know what it feels like to be knocked down and give up. Don't do it! Get back up! Let the Lord reach down and pick you up and dust you off. Accept the strength and grace He wants to give you, freely.

Then, and only then, my brothers and sisters, can you be set free. Join me in the most incredible freedom, the only freedom we can ever truly gain; through our Lord Jesus Christ who died and rose again, for YOU.

Let the Healing Begin

It's been quite some time since my last blog because of the Holidays, which seemed busier than years past. I had some time to reflect a lot more on my vacation in January than in the last several months (though it still wasn't nearly enough). The last blog I wrote conveyed the struggles that I was going through and the loneliness and pain I felt after ending a difficult relationship. So much has changed since then. Over the last several months, I have sought healing for the brokenness in my life.

My dearest brothers and sisters, I cannot emphasize enough what a difference this has made in my life. I encourage you to seek healing in your lives, the Lord wants to heal you! He created you to be whole, united with Him through every moment of your life. Do not hold on to the pain inflicted upon you, as if you deserve it. By doing so, you are telling God that you know better than He does what is best for you, and you will remain broken and separated from God. You were not created as a joke, some 'thing' that God plays with and enjoys watching suffer. God created us in love and to love. He knows and loves YOU.

How do you find healing? Through the Sacraments. Go to confession and Mass often! When you go to confession, really reflect on your life and use an examination of conscience to guide you to the areas in your life where you crucify Christ. When you go to Mass, pray beforehand and prepare yourself to receive the body of your Savior.

Something that has helped me is meeting with some people who are actually trained to do healing prayer over people. If you do this, make sure that the person or people you go to, have been trained! They can't help you if they haven't. I would also encourage you to get a Spiritual Director (again, someone who has had training).

We were not meant to walk this road alone, nor are we meant to remain broken by everything from our pasts. If you desire a better life, and a better world, pray the following prayer and seek healing:

"Dear Lord, let it begin with me. Amen."

Blessings.