TRUST

So far, the whole practicing gratitude with my friend isn't going so well.  However, I am getting slightly better about being thankful; I am a work in progress.

Lately, I have been asking God to increase my trust in Him.  Have you ever heard someone say (or maybe you said...) "Don't pray for patience unless you are willing to have your patience tried"?  God is funny like that (well, perhaps not funny), He gives opportunities for growth.  I've discovered He doesn't do that just with patience, He also does it with trust (and many other things I'm sure).

A few days ago, I was experiencing extreme feelings of desolation, even though I know God is there, I could not feel His presence.  There were so many things on my mind for which I needed answers and all I got was silence.  Then I read a meditation in my Magnificat from last Saturday (I missed Saturday's, so I was catching up).  It talked about darkness of faith and how one experiences various negative feelings and doubts.  Exactly what I was going through.  

As I continued reading, it described how, in this state, God is not before me leading me.  Rather, He is behind me, holding and carrying me.  He is no longer the way and the truth, He is simply the LIFE.  Living in this way therefore, requires an increase in trust in God.  We cannot give into the fears and negativity, but, as Abraham did when asked to sacrifice his only son, embrace where God had brought him (or me...) and to do it well.  To trust Him completely that He will keep His promise to take care of me.

And He does...

Letting Go

A lot has happened since my last post.  I am in a relationship that only God could have planned.  Through him, God has healed me in so many ways.  For the first time in my life, I am able to accept the fact that there are always going to be differences of opinion, disagreements, miscommunications, etc... and, I'm actually okay with that. 

In the past, I have always run from conflict of any kind.  The experience of anxiety was (and still is to some degree) one thing I could give up at the drop of a hat.  And in the past, I did.  Break up with the guy = anxiety gone.  Ahhh.  I can breath again.  However, I am now discovering that I was missing the point of the anxiety.  Honestly looking back, I am grateful I didn't stay with any of my exes because God brought me the man I am with now. So what was I missing?  God was calling me to a deeper level.  There are three different aspects I have discovered thus far. 

The first is that anxiety is not of God.  Just look at when the priest says they Embolism every day at Mass between the Our Father and when we pray "for thine is the kingdom and the power..."  He says "Deliver us, Lord, we pray from every evil... ...we may always be free from sin and safe from all distress..."  Distress used to be anxiety in the previous translation, but they mean the same thing.  God's plan for us does not include feelings of anxiety or distress!  They are only from the evil one!  Anxiety never promotes the happiness that God desires to give us.

The second aspect, for me personally, is that it often came from my judgment of the guy.  I will be the first to confess that my greatest sin is pride and I have been judgmental of people because of it.  This is something God is continually challenging me to grow in through greater humility and trust in Him.

Finally, the way to prevent the judgment which causes the anxiety, is to practice gratitude (especially toward God, but being grateful towards other people helps too).  Now my question is, how do I go about doing this?  Obviously I'm not as grateful a person as I ought to be...Well, I can tell you the first thing I'm going to try.  My roommate came up with the idea to text each other once a day just one thing that we are grateful for.  I'll let you know how it goes. :)