It's tough, I know. Searching your Soul for the things which stain it, causing it to rot and ruin your life, is painful. And giving those things to God, willingly, is even more painful.
I'm sitting here, only two days into the painful process of searching my unconscious for things which prevent me from moving forward. I am realizing just how difficult I've made it to trust God in my life. I put up barriers and walls, all the while thinking that I am trying my hardest to surrender my life "fully". It's prevented me from having the kind of relationships I want with my parents, siblings, friends, and even men whom I have considered for marriage.
I'm listening to a song on the radio and the lyrics are "If you gotta start somewhere, why not here? If you gotta start sometime, why not now? If we gotta start somewhere, I say here. If we gotta start sometime, I say now." (City On Our Knees - Toby Mac)
I agree, why not here and now? My prayer is that, those of you who read the following will be challenged to go beyond your comfort zones so that you may serve God fully as I know I will be capable of once I walk through the fire.
The walls which hold me prisoner in the subconsciousness of my mind, were revealed to me only two days ago. When I realized it was the truth about my life, I was devastated. How can I fully serve the Lord in this state of mind? I cannot. I must do something about it. What I need is healing. This unforgiving heart has held me back for far too long, most of my life that I remember. I am beginning the process on my own until I find someone like a priest who councils people with similar situations. So, yesterday I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament and began to pray.
Our prayers must always begin with praise; glorifying the God who gave us life. Then we must consciously choose to give the life He gave us, back to Him as gift. This is hard. Sometimes it requires giving God the things we don't want Him to see, even the things we don't want to see in ourselves. We must lay down our pride, our desires, our demise. We have to be ready now to see it God's way, as Jeremy Camp sings in "Lay Down My Pride". We have to stop being selfish and humble ourselves at the feet of the God who saves. It feels like purging the body of all the blackness within and it is physically painful.
With tears streaming down my face, I cried out to God, struggling to make myself a gift to Him.
Ok, this is definitely the night of "songs which speak to Elizabeth." There's a song by Hawk Nelson called "Let's Dance". It says, "I don't want to look inside myself cuz then I'll have to change something else. No, I don't want to live like someone else, I'm happy in my skin, me and myself, let's dance." This song expresses perfectly, the struggle I, and many others, go through every day. I don't want to look inside because I fear having to change and I'm comfortable with this "me and myself dance".
So I choose to give God all this within me, all that is under the surface and I could not see for myself until someone else opened my eyes. It's going to take time, effort, sweat and tears. It is painful, but I want more. I need to feel that pain, so I know I am not numb or dead. The pain is purifying fire. I want to give more of myself to God so that He may heal me. He is my Hero who will save me from myself if I choose to let Him. Let us pray:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for being my Savior and God,
Thank You for setting me free from these chains
With this freedom, I choose to serve You
It is for Your glory and not my own.
This will be a great struggle
But I know You are with me each step of the way
Thank You for not letting me go during this time
As I walk through the purifying fires
Thank You Father, for Your unconditional love and forgiveness
And help me Daddy, to be more like You.
Because I want to be Holy, just like You.
Amen.
