Help me Jesus

Please.... show me that I am worth fighting for....

Looking back Into the Desert

This is a journal entry I wrote during my journey into the desert in 2010. I wrote it on the 24th day of my journey (my journey was 141 days).

I took another step into the desert, and this is what I saw:
You (Jesus) standing, waiting for me, ever so patiently.
You took me by the hand, which I offered gingerly,
then swept me off my feet, unexpectedly.
I laughed as You carried me, clinging round your neck. I didn't see the desert as You spun me around, still in Your arms.
At last You set me down, but never left my side,
arm around my shoulders, walking in stride.
I questioned why I did not see the desert and this is what You said,
"My desert doesn't look like yours, I ravish you instead.
It is My time to be with you, but you must listen, My bride.
My word, Body, silence and prayer will be your guide.
Will you go deeper with Me now? Deeper than before?"
Tears of joy ran down my face,
as I realized that submitting myself to His love and receiving His grace,
are only difficult when I make it that way.
"Yes." I replied, how could say 'no'?
He is the lover of my soul.
The one I always wanted, right in front of me. To deny Him would be a denial of who I am: a beautifully created daughter of God.
To be romanced by Him would be divine. How can I say no?
I was happy with Him in that moment in the "desert", if I let Him in more often, would I not have greater joy and peace?
No, I cannot say no.
So You'll hear me say, penetrate my soul.

Love: Feeling or Will?

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I find myself swinging from determined to despairing. In one moment, knowing God has led me here and will continue to walk with/carry me, and the next moment, afraid God won't "keep His end of the deal". It's scary to die even more to myself, letting go of what I think I need from my husband, or what others tell me I need from him. Because really, all I need comes from Jesus.

If anyone tried to tell me how much suffering there is in marriage as we (hopefully) learn to surrender ourselves to God more than we ever imagined necessary, I didn't understand. But the pain is worse when we don't cling to God and instead cling our own selfish desires or rely on our spouse to make us happy. That's not marriage! My husband isn't here to make me happy, he's here to make me holy!

Love isn't a feeling. Feelings come and go, they are fickle.

Love is an act of the will: a choice one makes every day to love another regardless of feeling like you love them or if you loved by them.

How do we choose to love when our spouse hurts us (unknowingly)? It's so easy to slip into self pity, defensiveness, depression, self-sabotage, anger/resentment towards your spouse, a victim, etc. What do you do to pick yourself up and keep loving??

I am still searching for answers. But I do know where to find those answers. On my knees, asking God for a LOT of grace.

Feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. How do get past the momentary feelings and love your spouse even when it hurts?

A New Chapter

I am hoping to finally get back to blogging the way I used to.

My life is not what I planned it would be.  It's filled with many disappointments and suffering.  There is a constant battle between desire to surrender to God or to throw a pity party and resort to coping mechanisms.  Only, now the desire to let God be in charge is starting to win.  Thank GOD.

I have been married for about 2.5 years and have a 20 month old daughter.  From my perspective, I was thrown into marriage and parenthood rather quickly and have limped along since.  My spiritual life has suffered the most, with prayer and devotion to the Blessed Sacrament being put on the back burner almost entirely.  And when praying did happen (which was almost daily), it was with a bad attitude and not even half-hearted.

At last (2.5 years later...), I have reached my breaking point.  No more bare minimum faith.  No more avoidance of a prayer life.  No more blaming my 'situation'.  

Recently, I watched the movie War Room (excellent movie!), which was given to me by my husband (he had no idea he was opening Pandora's Box...).  It forced me to look at my life and realize, "I am Elizabeth".  No... I'm not referring to myself, the main character in the movie is also named Elizabeth.  Coincidence? I don't think so.  I was drawn to the idea of creating a "war room" of my own and praying there, for myself, my husband, daughter and anyone or anything else that God put on my heart.

I live in a tiny house.  Where on earth could I create a prayer space?  The closets weren't big enough (image that, my closets are so small that I can't create a prayer space within...), and it seemed every corner of the house was filled.  Finally it dawned on me.  There is a 2-3 foot wide walking space between my bed and the wall.  So I slid my night stand out of the corner about 4 feet and voilà!  I had a prayer space that my child can't get into.

There I placed journals, inspirational books, a Bible, and a half cork board - half white board to write notes and scriptures on.  I haven't used it a ton, but it has given me more motivation than I have had in about 3 years or so.  

Wives, I encourage you to do the same.  In upcoming posts, I will talk about spiritual warfare in marriage, suffering, and much more.  Please stay tuned, and if you want to hear more on a particular topic, let me know. 

God Bless you all.

Loss

Brief update: I entered the Sacrament of Matrimony in late summer of 2013. A month later, we were pregnant. We now have a beautiful, charming daughter with a will of her own and quite the comedic character. She is 1.5 years old today.

About 2 months ago, we found out we were pregnant again, and I was thrilled. I was so ready for another baby and for a little sibling for my first little girl.

One week ago I started spotting, but wasn't initially concerned. By Friday, I started bleeding. Saturday it got heavier throughout the day. Sunday morning, at 2:45am, I woke from a dream that I had miscarried. In fact, I was miscarrying. I woke my husband around 4am to tell him, and by 5:30am, I was checking into the hospital.

They did multiple tests and ultrasounds, and although my pregnancy hormones were still high, the ultrasounds revealed the truth. My baby was gone.

Now, I sit here, thinking "I would have been 10 weeks". Still waiting for my body to finish cleaning out, so that maybe we can try again soon. I haven't let myself cry much because I have a toddler to care for, but I have named my little girl and am rejoicing that she is with her brother and our Lord.

When I think of reasons why I feel sad, I think most are selfish. I think, 'It was such perfect timing: my 2 children would have been just over 2 years apart; I was ready, physically and emotionally'. Why didn't God let my will be done? Oh... hehe... right.

Finally, I realize I need to surrender... so much. I pray God give me the grace to let go.