Help me Jesus

Please.... show me that I am worth fighting for....

Looking back Into the Desert

This is a journal entry I wrote during my journey into the desert in 2010. I wrote it on the 24th day of my journey (my journey was 141 days).

I took another step into the desert, and this is what I saw:
You (Jesus) standing, waiting for me, ever so patiently.
You took me by the hand, which I offered gingerly,
then swept me off my feet, unexpectedly.
I laughed as You carried me, clinging round your neck. I didn't see the desert as You spun me around, still in Your arms.
At last You set me down, but never left my side,
arm around my shoulders, walking in stride.
I questioned why I did not see the desert and this is what You said,
"My desert doesn't look like yours, I ravish you instead.
It is My time to be with you, but you must listen, My bride.
My word, Body, silence and prayer will be your guide.
Will you go deeper with Me now? Deeper than before?"
Tears of joy ran down my face,
as I realized that submitting myself to His love and receiving His grace,
are only difficult when I make it that way.
"Yes." I replied, how could say 'no'?
He is the lover of my soul.
The one I always wanted, right in front of me. To deny Him would be a denial of who I am: a beautifully created daughter of God.
To be romanced by Him would be divine. How can I say no?
I was happy with Him in that moment in the "desert", if I let Him in more often, would I not have greater joy and peace?
No, I cannot say no.
So You'll hear me say, penetrate my soul.

Love: Feeling or Will?

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I find myself swinging from determined to despairing. In one moment, knowing God has led me here and will continue to walk with/carry me, and the next moment, afraid God won't "keep His end of the deal". It's scary to die even more to myself, letting go of what I think I need from my husband, or what others tell me I need from him. Because really, all I need comes from Jesus.

If anyone tried to tell me how much suffering there is in marriage as we (hopefully) learn to surrender ourselves to God more than we ever imagined necessary, I didn't understand. But the pain is worse when we don't cling to God and instead cling our own selfish desires or rely on our spouse to make us happy. That's not marriage! My husband isn't here to make me happy, he's here to make me holy!

Love isn't a feeling. Feelings come and go, they are fickle.

Love is an act of the will: a choice one makes every day to love another regardless of feeling like you love them or if you loved by them.

How do we choose to love when our spouse hurts us (unknowingly)? It's so easy to slip into self pity, defensiveness, depression, self-sabotage, anger/resentment towards your spouse, a victim, etc. What do you do to pick yourself up and keep loving??

I am still searching for answers. But I do know where to find those answers. On my knees, asking God for a LOT of grace.

Feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. How do get past the momentary feelings and love your spouse even when it hurts?

A New Chapter

I am hoping to finally get back to blogging the way I used to.

My life is not what I planned it would be.  It's filled with many disappointments and suffering.  There is a constant battle between desire to surrender to God or to throw a pity party and resort to coping mechanisms.  Only, now the desire to let God be in charge is starting to win.  Thank GOD.

I have been married for about 2.5 years and have a 20 month old daughter.  From my perspective, I was thrown into marriage and parenthood rather quickly and have limped along since.  My spiritual life has suffered the most, with prayer and devotion to the Blessed Sacrament being put on the back burner almost entirely.  And when praying did happen (which was almost daily), it was with a bad attitude and not even half-hearted.

At last (2.5 years later...), I have reached my breaking point.  No more bare minimum faith.  No more avoidance of a prayer life.  No more blaming my 'situation'.  

Recently, I watched the movie War Room (excellent movie!), which was given to me by my husband (he had no idea he was opening Pandora's Box...).  It forced me to look at my life and realize, "I am Elizabeth".  No... I'm not referring to myself, the main character in the movie is also named Elizabeth.  Coincidence? I don't think so.  I was drawn to the idea of creating a "war room" of my own and praying there, for myself, my husband, daughter and anyone or anything else that God put on my heart.

I live in a tiny house.  Where on earth could I create a prayer space?  The closets weren't big enough (image that, my closets are so small that I can't create a prayer space within...), and it seemed every corner of the house was filled.  Finally it dawned on me.  There is a 2-3 foot wide walking space between my bed and the wall.  So I slid my night stand out of the corner about 4 feet and voilà!  I had a prayer space that my child can't get into.

There I placed journals, inspirational books, a Bible, and a half cork board - half white board to write notes and scriptures on.  I haven't used it a ton, but it has given me more motivation than I have had in about 3 years or so.  

Wives, I encourage you to do the same.  In upcoming posts, I will talk about spiritual warfare in marriage, suffering, and much more.  Please stay tuned, and if you want to hear more on a particular topic, let me know. 

God Bless you all.

Loss

Brief update: I entered the Sacrament of Matrimony in late summer of 2013. A month later, we were pregnant. We now have a beautiful, charming daughter with a will of her own and quite the comedic character. She is 1.5 years old today.

About 2 months ago, we found out we were pregnant again, and I was thrilled. I was so ready for another baby and for a little sibling for my first little girl.

One week ago I started spotting, but wasn't initially concerned. By Friday, I started bleeding. Saturday it got heavier throughout the day. Sunday morning, at 2:45am, I woke from a dream that I had miscarried. In fact, I was miscarrying. I woke my husband around 4am to tell him, and by 5:30am, I was checking into the hospital.

They did multiple tests and ultrasounds, and although my pregnancy hormones were still high, the ultrasounds revealed the truth. My baby was gone.

Now, I sit here, thinking "I would have been 10 weeks". Still waiting for my body to finish cleaning out, so that maybe we can try again soon. I haven't let myself cry much because I have a toddler to care for, but I have named my little girl and am rejoicing that she is with her brother and our Lord.

When I think of reasons why I feel sad, I think most are selfish. I think, 'It was such perfect timing: my 2 children would have been just over 2 years apart; I was ready, physically and emotionally'. Why didn't God let my will be done? Oh... hehe... right.

Finally, I realize I need to surrender... so much. I pray God give me the grace to let go.

Roses for Ashes

When I was less than one month away from my wedding day, I found that both of us (Matt and I) had already experienced many of the joys and sorrows of a relationship as we learned what it meant to make a commitment to each other forever.

It's not easy.  I still often feel like I offer Matt and God the ashes that my life appears to be.  So many times I hurt the man I love unintentionally.  So many times I am wounded by him.

My deepest longing in those moments is to simply be loved by him, and his desire is to be loved by me.  And you know what?  God asks me to die to this very desire.  WHAT?!?  Talk about painful.

The more I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried, the more I realize... It's painful now, but if I do it, if I choose to die to my desire for love, then I will find Joy and Peace.  If I don't, I will go through the cycle of tears, hurt feelings, and a shattered heart all over again.

I'm still learning this painful lesson. It's easier to withdraw than to make the difficult choice love instead of waiting to be loved. Lord, give me grace. I need it more than ever.

Reorienting the God-given Gift of Sex

Matt and I are finally starting to get the ball rolling on this whole blogging thing. :)  What grace we have received through engagement!  Since Matt and I became engaged, we have been discussing various aspects of married life for which we will need to prepare.  We have discussed things like parenting, money, generational sin, sex, conflict resolution, grace, etc.   

The other day, Matt was reflecting on his confirmation and receiving the Eucharist.  When he went to Mass and received Holy Communion the second time, it was very different.  He felt a power so incredible that he thought to himself, ‘This is what it's like to finally be in communion with Jesus!’

The other day, it got him thinking, "Sex within the sacrament of marriage must be like that…”  This began a reflection on his own past.  Matt realized that sex outside of marriage left him feeling unfulfilled.  It felt great in the moment but leaves one feeling crummy, like eating an entire box of chocolates by oneself.  Anyone would feel 'sick' afterward.

He presented another analogy to me (he's good at them).  Having sex before marriage is like taking a cake out of the oven too early.  It looks done on the outside and smells fantastic.  But try to cut into and start eating it, and you will discover the still liquid center is very unsatisfying.  Or a turkey... If you pull it out of the oven when you think it's done (without reading or following any directions) you may be disappointed to discover the outside cooked and inside raw.  It will make you sick.

God has given us a guide for how to 'use' sex.  When placed in the context of marriage (natural law), sex makes sense.  The turkey is cooked; the cake baked, and is very fulfilling.  Our society has thrown out the guide book (Bible) all in the name of personal pleasure and instant gratification.  (Please note that our explanation of sex is simplified here for the purpose of introducing this topic.)

How does sex (the marital embrace) relate to receiving the Eucharist then?  Well, since the bread and wine turn into the Body and Blood of Jesus, we become physically united with Jesus.  It is a deeper level of spiritual union with God.  So within marriage, couples are called to reflect that union with Christ through their bodies with each other.  “This is a great mystery.” (Eph. 5:32)

Thus, when people have sex outside of marriage, they are robbing themselves of the Truth, beauty, and love that lies within the union God created.  They miss the point.  So many people have sex for pleasure, love, and closeness with another human being.  An end in and of itself.  The point is that, through our physical union with another, we experience the spiritual union with God and are given a foretaste of heaven.  It is not meant to be an end in and of itself; rather it is meant to lead us to our eternal union with Christ Jesus in the Life yet to come.

A New Beginning

January 10th, 2013 is a day I will never forget.  It marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  On January 10th, 2012, I began dating a man who changed my life forever.  Through him, God brought to light many of my fears and began the difficult process of healing me.  Now, one year later, God has called us to move forward together in life toward marriage.  We are engaged.

I didn't know what to expect engagement to feel like, but I woke up the next day feeling like the same person (except for the fact that I had a ring on my finger and a song in my heart :)).  It feels weird to finally be able to say "I am engaged", to finally begin my journey towards fulfilling my vocation.  But I had to ask the question... What does it mean to be engaged??

I asked a friend this question and she said, "All I know is that there is a wedding at the end of it and that's pretty sweet!"  She was recently married, so she should know. :)

So, as I explore this new state in life, I will be blogging and sharing my experiences with all of you.  My betrothed will also be contributing to the blog from his experience.  If you have questions, comments, suggestions, please feel free to comment on my blogs and I will respond.

My engagement ring. :)

TRUST

So far, the whole practicing gratitude with my friend isn't going so well.  However, I am getting slightly better about being thankful; I am a work in progress.

Lately, I have been asking God to increase my trust in Him.  Have you ever heard someone say (or maybe you said...) "Don't pray for patience unless you are willing to have your patience tried"?  God is funny like that (well, perhaps not funny), He gives opportunities for growth.  I've discovered He doesn't do that just with patience, He also does it with trust (and many other things I'm sure).

A few days ago, I was experiencing extreme feelings of desolation, even though I know God is there, I could not feel His presence.  There were so many things on my mind for which I needed answers and all I got was silence.  Then I read a meditation in my Magnificat from last Saturday (I missed Saturday's, so I was catching up).  It talked about darkness of faith and how one experiences various negative feelings and doubts.  Exactly what I was going through.  

As I continued reading, it described how, in this state, God is not before me leading me.  Rather, He is behind me, holding and carrying me.  He is no longer the way and the truth, He is simply the LIFE.  Living in this way therefore, requires an increase in trust in God.  We cannot give into the fears and negativity, but, as Abraham did when asked to sacrifice his only son, embrace where God had brought him (or me...) and to do it well.  To trust Him completely that He will keep His promise to take care of me.

And He does...

Letting Go

A lot has happened since my last post.  I am in a relationship that only God could have planned.  Through him, God has healed me in so many ways.  For the first time in my life, I am able to accept the fact that there are always going to be differences of opinion, disagreements, miscommunications, etc... and, I'm actually okay with that. 

In the past, I have always run from conflict of any kind.  The experience of anxiety was (and still is to some degree) one thing I could give up at the drop of a hat.  And in the past, I did.  Break up with the guy = anxiety gone.  Ahhh.  I can breath again.  However, I am now discovering that I was missing the point of the anxiety.  Honestly looking back, I am grateful I didn't stay with any of my exes because God brought me the man I am with now. So what was I missing?  God was calling me to a deeper level.  There are three different aspects I have discovered thus far. 

The first is that anxiety is not of God.  Just look at when the priest says they Embolism every day at Mass between the Our Father and when we pray "for thine is the kingdom and the power..."  He says "Deliver us, Lord, we pray from every evil... ...we may always be free from sin and safe from all distress..."  Distress used to be anxiety in the previous translation, but they mean the same thing.  God's plan for us does not include feelings of anxiety or distress!  They are only from the evil one!  Anxiety never promotes the happiness that God desires to give us.

The second aspect, for me personally, is that it often came from my judgment of the guy.  I will be the first to confess that my greatest sin is pride and I have been judgmental of people because of it.  This is something God is continually challenging me to grow in through greater humility and trust in Him.

Finally, the way to prevent the judgment which causes the anxiety, is to practice gratitude (especially toward God, but being grateful towards other people helps too).  Now my question is, how do I go about doing this?  Obviously I'm not as grateful a person as I ought to be...Well, I can tell you the first thing I'm going to try.  My roommate came up with the idea to text each other once a day just one thing that we are grateful for.  I'll let you know how it goes. :)

What awaith me, oh Advent?

Wow. It has been way too long since I last updated my blog. The Lord has been doing so much in my life... it would take a novel just to include it all. So much healing, freedom, Holy Spirit power going on. :)

The Lord has called my friends and I to start a prayer group for people our age. It has been a great challenge for me (and others in the group, but I can't speak for their experiences). I have found that the position in which God has placed me, is not a position I would have 'happily' chosen for myself. It is filled with great challenges and struggles. Constant spiritual warfare, plaguing many moments of the day, often stealing peace of mind. What is it exactly, that causes so much strife? FEAR. Fear of love and fear of you, fear of letting go and making mistakes.

Most of us live with some form of fear in our daily lives. So how does one go about dealing with this? There is only one way. Avoid everything you are afraid of, dig a hole, live under a rock, build a bomb shelter... JK!!!

The key is putting your trust in the Lord. This took a great deal of effort, or so it seemed. I thought I had tried everything. However, none of them were working. You know that trick where if you tell yourself something enough times you start to believe it? Yeah... didn't work. Prayer, surrender, submission, begging, pleading... to no avail. Now, this is not a hopeless case, as you may be starting to think. Finally, after all these trials, I turned to our Blessed Mother.
Yep. Five days of persistence in prayer to our Lady, praying a Novena, Rosary, and Hail Marys, and I began to find clarity again. Trust came a tiny bit more easily as I asked our Mother's intercession for the grace to trust in our Father, her Son, and beloved spouse (Holy Spirit). The Rosary does work if you mean it when you pray it! So, pray the Rosary daily! This Advent, it is my goal to pray the Rosary daily, and allow our Mother to teach me how to Trust in God a little more everyday.

God Bless you all and Happy Thanksgiving!

Mary, Mother of All

I just got home from Adoration and an answer to prayer so obvious that I could not turn my back. I am getting ready for a big trip right now, it has been stressful to say the least. However, a lot of prayer has happened because of that. I went to Adoration with the intention of praying for this journey which has been so difficult and spent an hour and a half doing just that. I walked out filled with peace, knowing that I had begun to place everything into His hands and I just needed to keep doing that. But it didn't end there.

As I stepped out of the sanctuary and into the foyer, a man stopped me and asked if I recognized him. I hadn't and his response was "Good." He began to teach me the importance of praying the Rosary every day as Our Lady of Fatima asked us to do, pointing out the 15 promises that will be kept if we honor her request. He told me about his life and the healing he received from Our Mother from an addiction to alcohol which nearly led him to suicide. On the day he planned his suicide, instead of a gun, he picked up a Rosary. She saved him. He told me about the brown scapular and promise of heaven if we wear it. He talked about many things that he was passionate about, including modesty in dress.

This was Our Lady and Our Lord's way of telling me, "Elizabeth, it's time to start praying the Rosary every day and wearing the Brown Scapular." Within the last week I thought to myself how Our Lady have never explicitly asked me to pray the Rosary daily. I also fingered my Brown Scapular and felt the need to start wearing it again... but didn't put it on. I guess I have my invitation and challenge now.

Has Our Mother beckoned you? She promises peace for the world, armor against hell, protection, grace, virtue, and so much more! If you struggle in your faith and want to grow stronger, pray the Rosary daily! If you want more than just an average life and want to go to heaven, pray the Rosary daily!

If you have a story to share about how the Rosary changed your life, leave a comment and tell me about it. I would love to hear your stories!

A Message From God to Everyone

Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of trials, chaos in my mind, pain in my heart, fogginess in life. Where was God in all of this? I was still praying, but hearing nothing. I was still faithfully attending Mass. I was still spending time in Adoration. Am I doing something wrong? Am I being tested or punished?

I'm sure many of you know what this feels like and have had similar questions. It's struggle to make it through the the things you used to delight in: giving God your time.

After seeking answers diligently, God finally gave me some answers.

In those times when we feel so far away, God is closer to us than any other time. He is, perhaps, even carrying you. Did you know that God wants to give us the desires of our hearts? Did you know He is more faithful to you than the most faithful servant or handmaid of God that ever walked the face of this earth? He delights in US!!! He doesn't expect us to be perfect, He doesn't expect us not to fail. He is the perfect One, the unfailing One... who, because of His love for us, pours Himself out for our sake that we may not have to suffer the consequences.

We have nothing to fear! So often, we create our own monsters. So often, we cause our own chaos. That is why it is so important during the good times, the times of peace, to build our strength through discipline. However, do not forfeit the relationship in the name of discipline. Discipline will keep us in a routine at all times, but building a relationship with God will give the motivation to remain disciplined.

So... My Lord, I choose to accept where You have me right now. Even though it doesn't seem to fit with the desires of my heart, somehow my life, as it is right now, is part of Your perfect plan for my redemption. I pray with a humble heart that You would use my life to bring You Glory. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I Found Me!

A key to unlock the door to the past. A person to bring that past into my present. An experience to change my life. And now... I'm left feeling like it never happened. So how do I tap back into that? Prayer? Community? Holy Spirit power? ;) Prayer for others. That's it. Putting others before myself, serving as I was created to do.

Right now, I am praying for someone very dear to me. This person means everything to me. I pray for God to give him the grace to receive the mercy, forgiveness and salvation which is meant for him. It is bittersweet, knowing that I can't play an active roll in bringing him to Christ. However, it is pure sweetness to offer sacrifice through fasting for his sake. Have you ever tried fasting the right way? It's extremely rewarding. Here, check out this awesome scripture passage which explains it perfectly:

Isaiah 58:3-9
'Why have we fasted, and thou seest it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and thou takest no knowledge of it?' 
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers.
Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high.
Is such the fast that I choose, a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a rush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast, and a day acceptable to the Lord?

"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the thongs of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you, the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, Here I am."

So... what did this teach me? I know that there is a lot of reference to things we don't do anymore, like wearing sackcloth and ashes... But often, we don't understand what fasting is really supposed to be like. This passage, and a very good friend of mine, explained the truth about fasting. You can't fast and say a few prayers or just your normal prayers. Fasting is one of two things: 1) Starvation or 2) Prayer.

Let me explain. Through my hunger (during a fast), I realized just how much my life depends upon what God has given me. He has provided me with a job to pay my bills so I can have a warm home, food, and transportation (along with many other things). My hungry stomach also made me realize that I am not just physically hungry, but spiritually hungry. Just as my body longed for nourishment, so too does my soul yearn for the nourishment, which only our Lord can provide.

Through this fasting, which I did for my dear friend, I have grown in trust and patience. Just a little. Hopefully, it is affecting the person I'm praying for, at least as much as it is affecting me. For this I pray. And I pray that you will try fasting, it is an incredible experience. If you have any questions or need any other helpful tips to get you through your fast, please do not hesitate to ask. I am learning just as much as you are. God Bless!

The Catholic Church and Homosexuality

This is an extremely controversial topic, I know... But people have been asking me to post the research, studies, observations, and Catholic Church teaching on this one... So here goes. Please refrain from sending hate mail or negative comments; I am only placing information on here that supports Catholic Church teaching. I've heard the other side, the other arguments, and so have you, so here's the other side.

Most Christians have no idea how to argue this point without "throwing God/religion into the mix". It's not an easy topic. We as heterosexuals innately recognize that our attraction to the opposite sex is 'normal' (in other words, it falls under the category of natural law). Don't forget when making this argument that we are called to love the sinner, not the sin, we don't condemn the person because that is God's job on judgment day.

Homosexuality. What's the big deal? It's just about who you choose to love, right? I mean, everybody's doing it now. It kinda seems more like a fad than really a true way of life. Well, let's take a step back and look at it from a different perspective.

BORN GAYI've heard a few different arguments for living the 'gay' lifestyle. The first that comes to mind is that people are just born that way. Back in 1993, a molecular biologist by the name of Dean Hamer published a study that brought about this 'born gay' idea. In his study, Hamer stated science was "on the verge of proving that homosexuality is innate, genetic and therefore unchangeable - a normal variant of human nature." People went crazy. What they read and what the understood from this study were two completely different things. Hamer stated that science was on the VERGE of proving, they had not yet PROVEN that people could be born gay. The media started spreading the news of the 'gay gene', only in the fine print could one find the true statement that it was only a possibility and no real discovery had been made. Of course, as many of us know, most of us don't take the time to read the fine print or listen to the extra info; we just want the juicy story as the media feeds it to us.

NATURAL LAW

So how do you tell people that heterosexuality is natural law and homosexuality is not? First let's take note of how the human body is made. Basically, men and women have the same build, two arms and eyes, two legs and ears, a nose, mouth, feet and hands, not to mention hips, stomach, shoulders, chest/breast, head and eye brows, we even have the same 'butt hole' (not to be crude, just speaking the truth). If you think about it, we may LOOK different, but we all have the same basic body parts. So what's different? Our reproductive organs.

Take the woman's reproductive organs: Her vagina is a hole, something which is meant to be filled (from time to time). She is RECEPTIVE. Now let's look at the man's reproductive organs: His penis protrudes out of his body, and honestly, it's kind of awkward and doesn't make much sense with the rest of his body. His penis is meant to be put into something. He is the GIVER.

Obviously we are all meant to give and receive, but our bodies speak a language that our mouths can't. Our bodies show what the relationship is supposed to look like, the man giving all of himself to his wife and the woman receiving all of her husband into her own body and then giving back to him. This makes them one, unites them. Not to mention that one result of intercourse is children. Between union, communion, and reproduction… sexual union in its natural state, becomes complete.

So, what happens when homosexuals unite? Either we have two RECEPTIVE people or two GIVERS. They are identical, what are you supposed to do with them? Come up with artificial ways of ‘arousing’ oneself or the other. Thus provokes the question, is it really love? No children can come of a homosexual union… they have to go outside the relationship in order to bring children into the ‘family’. If homosexual unions were natural, why can’t they reproduce? (This is a more difficult point to argue… if you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t use it).

There is also evidence which shows us that there is a correlation between the rise in homosexual activity and the rise in AIDS. The following are websites which show this evidence:

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/archive/ldn/2009/aug/09082609

http://www.avert.org/young-gay-men.htm

http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/homosexuality/ho0075.html

http://cid.oxfordjournals.org/content/17/6/1003.full.pdf

http://fathersforlife.org/dale/aids1.html

There are many more resources; all you have to do is look. If you personally want to do more research, a great website is http://narth.com

They do not associate with any religion or political party; they are simply trying to put the truth out there. They have done extensive research for many years and are doctors and scientists. They offer help to those who do not want to be homosexual. Here is an article on the myths of homosexuality that they wrote:

The Three Myths
About Homosexuality

Myth #1

Homosexuality is normal and biologically determined.

The truth...

There is no scientific research indicating a biological or genetic cause for homosexuality. Biological factors may play a role in the predisposition to homosexuality. However, this is true of many other psychological conditions.

Research suggests that social and psychological factors are strongly influential. Examples include problems in early family relationships, sexual seduction, and sense of inadequacy with same-sex peers, with resulting disturbance in gender identity. Society can also influence a sexually questioning youth when it encourages gay self-labeling.

Myth #2

Homosexuals cannot change, and if they try, they will suffer great emotional distress and become suicidal. Therefore, treatment to change homosexuality must be stopped.

The truth...

Psychotherapists around the world who treat homosexuals report that significant numbers of their clients have experienced substantial healing. Change has come through psychological therapy, spirituality, and ex-gay support groups. Whether leading married or committed celibate lives, many report that their homosexual feelings have diminished greatly, and do not trouble them as much as they had in the past.

The keys to change are desire, persistence, and a willingness to investigate the conscious and unconscious conflicts from which the condition originated. Change comes slowly, usually over several years. Clients learn how to meet their needs for same-sex nurturance and affirmation without eroticizing the relationship. As they grow into their heterosexual potential, men and women typically experience a deeper and fuller sense of themselves as male or female.

If some homosexuals do not wish to change, that is their choice, yet it is profoundly sad that gay-rights activists struggle against the right-to-treatment for other homosexuals who yearn for freedom from their attractions.

Myth #3

We must teach our children that homosexuality is as normal and healthy as heterosexuality. Teenagers should be encouraged to celebrate their same-sex attractions.

The truth...

Scientific research supports age-old cultural norms that homosexuality is not a healthy, natural alternative to heterosexuality. Research shows that gay teens are especially vulnerable to substance abuse and early, high-risk sexual behavior. It does far more harm than good to tell a teenager that his or her attractions toward members of the same sex are normal and desirable. Teens in this position need understanding and counseling, not a push in the direction of a potentially deadly lifestyle.

A 1992 study in Pediatrics found that 25.9% of 12-year-olds are uncertain if they are gay or straight. The teen years are critical to the question of self-labeling, so the facts must be presented in our schools in a fair and balanced manner.

IN CONCLUSION

Hopefully all this info isn’t too overwhelming for you and more helpful. Unfortunately I do not have the space to make my full argument here, but that would definitely be overwhelming. I hope you will take some time to read the websites I quoted and realize that there is solid evidence for my argument. Please don’t forget… I do not write this to condemn. Love the person, not the sin. Love the people who support them and don’t know the truth. They need our love and kindness just as much as we do. God be with you as you discuss this difficult topic.

You Decide

Sometimes God is silent. When you are trying to make a big decision because He has given you the tools you need to make the decision without having to wait for an answer from Him, can be one of those times. He's not going to tell you how to make every move your whole life. He has given you tools to know your heart, know the difference between right and wrong, and to choose. There are times when He has a definite choice He wants you will make, but other times, He leaves it entirely up to you to decide what is best. Sometimes the things you have to choose, don't feel right or don't make any sense in the moment but later you realize there was a very good reason for that decision. When it doesn't make sense, it is often painful... You have to remind yourself constantly why you made the decision in the first place.

This is what I have been going through. I had to choose something that was the opposite of what I originally thought I wanted. But I made the decision anyway. It's a constant emotional battle now. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Do I feel like it? No. Hurting another person causes me great pain, but it's not just that this time... I wish I could put into words how the decision has affected me... It's worse... more painful than anything I've ever felt in the past. I want to hold on, to reverse the decision, and I want to let go and just TRUST in God.

Feelings are deceptive, especially when you don't know what to do with them. I can honestly say there is not much advice I can offer in this case, except to pray constantly. Don't let yourself become numb to what you feel, and turn what you feel into a prayer, a cry to God. In the past, I would let myself become numb when I was in pain and eventually, I didn't feel hardly anything at all, save the emptiness inside. Personally, I choose to feel every ounce of pain rather than the emptiness which comes from numbing. The pain makes me feel alive, human.

Here is a method of prayer I found that I am attempting to deal with the pain and seek healing: http://www.chastitysf.com/healing.htm

Giving the Pain to God

Pray, therefore, that the healing process will happen within you. But pray for it specifically:

• Ask God that you will be enlightened.

• Ask God for the courage to see the truth of your life, especially its ugly and embarrassing resentments and temptations.

• Ask God for the strength to not flinch from the pain.

• Ask God that everything you do will be directed to your purification.

Then, all it takes to give the pain to God is to work through four successive phases of understanding whenever you feel hurt.

God bless you all!

Your Way

I walk this road alone, cut deep by the knife of life. I choose to live this way, to cause my own suffering. I don't have to, but somehow, I have convinced myself that this is the way You would want it. That somehow, this sacrifice of mine will get me to You. But it won't. Am I still sabotaging myself? Lord, what are you going to do with me? There are so many things I try to do on my own, so many ways I try to prepare myself. It is all for naught. What You ask of me is simple, made just for me. All my own efforts are fruitless and often take me further from You. I have discovered the path which You ask all of us to travel, yet manage to get off it because I think I know a better way, a "short-cut" you might say. Who made me god? And what makes me think that I can figure out a way to You better than You can lead me to the One Way You have already established?

1. Frequent the sacraments
   1. Mass
   2. Confession
2. Pray
3. Read The Word

It's all there, laid out like a map. However, none of this matters if it is not approached with an open heart. Opening your heart to the Lord is not easy. I always feel that, when I put my heart out there, I am about to get hurt. With man (humanity), that is true, due to the fall of man, we often hurt each other when we lay our hearts out. But God won't hurt us, ever. That being said, we must invite the Lord into our hearts, to see the ugliness of our souls. We must choose to allow Him to enter in, otherwise, He will always remain knocking on the outside. He waits for us, longs for us, loves us. Jesus wants to heal our ugliness and make us beautiful.

So make the decision today to open your heart to the Lord. Tell Him you want Him in your heart and life. Jesus will pour out His Grace and Strength to see you through, no matter how difficult your life may seem. He stands by us, holds and comforts us, leads us to victory. If you choose to open your heart to Him, remember... Jesus wins in the end! Give your heart to Him and you join the winning team!

Novena to have an open heart to the Lord:

Lord work on my heart
until it becomes like your Sacred Heart.
Give me hope.
Then I can love you and all my sisters and brothers
with the respect, compassion, and forgiveness
that you have for everyone. I ask this in your name. Amen.

I ask you to grant my special request during this novena:
( - make your intention here - ) .

If what I ask is not for my own good
and the good of others,
grant me what will most help
to build up your kingdom of justice, love and peace.
I make this prayer with confidence in your love.
Amen

Post-Desert Life

I never realized how protected I would be by consciously choosing to enter into the desert. I went deeper and deeper into to prayer, and my time in Adoration became more intimate and meaningful.

For the better part of the last 3.5 years I have struggled with reading the Bible, praying on a regular basis, and trusting God in all things... even as He was drawing me closer to Him every day. For those of you who are just beginning this journey, learning to have faith in God, believe me when I say I know how hard it is, but if you are vigilant... every moment is worth it. All the pain, suffering, joys, sorrows, laughter, successes, tears, loneliness.... every emotion you could possibly imagine. This journey is worth it!!!

So I just got back from taking the second TOB II course in PA with Christopher West as my instructor. Let me tell you, it was amazing!

While I was in the desert, I felt as if God were preparing me for something great. I didn't know for sure what that 'great' thing was, but I knew it was coming. The Lord spoke some incredible things to me the Sunday prior to Christmas, and then, two days later, He called me out of the desert. I think I was a bit shell-shocked. Then, on New Year's Day, I flew out to PA for the class/retreat.

The Lord was taking me deeper, into a more intimate relationship with Him. He helped me to get to know my Mother a little better. I met some of the most incredible people in the world (love you guys!!). But most important, He healed me. There was a wound, so deep within me that was reaching every corner of my life and stained it all black. It was ugly, but it wasn't me. And the Lord took it away, cleaning the wound ever so carefully and planted something beautiful in it's place... Me.

I have learned that we humans are desiring beings, that my desires are good, but have been twisted by the lies this world offers. If I take my desires to the foot of the cross, I will discover my true desires, in all their goodness, truth, and beauty. I also began learning true humility. Acknowledging the gifts I have been given and thanking God for them.

I know this blog was all over the place, but I have so much to tell and so little time! If you have any questions for me, please comment and I will try to answer it in another blog. Thank you for reading!

Into the Desert: In Adoration

Be still my heart, be silent. Quiet you, mind. You will only be restless until you rest in Him. You will be held captive, unless you let Him set you free. You will remain a sinner until you let Him make you a saint. Put aside the worries of the day, empty your burden into the hands of our Lord. Wipe the tears from my face... dwell in me, have Your way with me.

Oh that we could only recognize the mystery, the unique opportunity we have in Adoration. To be in Your presence! Praise Jesus who bridged the gap, who tore the veil... So that we could experience You! This is where I find my ecstasy... completely consumed by Jesus Christ; completely consumed by His unfailing Love.

This is the moment, this is the time. Set my heart on fire, let it burn only for You. Ecstasy!

(Here is the dictionary definition of ecstasy: 1. Intense joy or delight. 2. A state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond rational thought and self-control: an ecstasy of rage. 3. The trance, frenzy, or rapture associated with mystic or prophetic exaltation.)

This is what I experience when I am on my knees, intensely praying before our Lord in Adoration. Ecstasy!!! Oh... what love He pours out, this great Lover of my Soul. The Only Lover of my Soul.

Who needs drugs (including 'ecstasy'), alcohol, cigarettes, sex, etc... when this ecstasy that I experience... when we are ALL created to experience this kind of union with our Creator? We are all called, but few respond. If only they knew... if only they realized that they would wake up without a hangover, sickness, death, or a broken heart... If only they knew that they could wake up with joy, knowing they are fulfilled by union with Jesus! If only....

Into the Desert: Who Am I?

The other night, as I was kicking myself for all the times I repeat sins that I want to be free of, I realized something.... Abouna actually has the credit for this idea in my head, and that is this:

Some of my gravest sins are committed with that which is meant to be my greatest gifts from God. In other words, I don't know how to use the gifts God has given me yet, the only thing I know about them is what I've been taught by the world. Therefore, the only thing I can do with my gifts is misuse them. If that makes any sense.

As a result: I am a complete and utter disaster! My idea of my gifts are a mess; twisted so much that I cannot even recognize them. I am not me, I am not free. Then to top it off, when I realize what is going on, I go to confession, get rid of the sin, and then noncommittally tell the Lord I'll do better next time. That's when I need to read and pay attention to Luke 11:24-26 (Read it!). The demons which dwelt within me leave, and upon finding no place to rest, it returns and finds the place (me) clean and brings seven more that are stronger to dwell there.

This brings an attitude. A bad one too. "I can't do it!" Like a little kid I cry to God. But you know what? He believes in me. He TRUSTS me. He trusts that I will do the right thing because He knows I CAN. That is the Truth. Now I just have to learn to accept it.... And that's a completely different story.