When I was less than one month away from my wedding day, I found that both of us (Matt and I) had already experienced many of the joys and sorrows of a relationship as we learned what it meant to make a commitment to each other forever.
It's not easy. I still often feel like I offer Matt and God the ashes that my life appears to be. So many times I hurt the man I love unintentionally. So many times I am wounded by him.
My deepest longing in those moments is to simply be loved by him, and his desire is to be loved by me. And you know what? God asks me to die to this very desire. WHAT?!? Talk about painful.
The more I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried, the more I realize... It's painful now, but if I do it, if I choose to die to my desire for love, then I will find Joy and Peace. If I don't, I will go through the cycle of tears, hurt feelings, and a shattered heart all over again.
I'm still learning this painful lesson. It's easier to withdraw than to make the difficult choice love instead of waiting to be loved. Lord, give me grace. I need it more than ever.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
August 20, 2013
Roses for Ashes
July 18, 2011
A Message From God to Everyone
Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of trials, chaos in my mind, pain in my heart, fogginess in life. Where was God in all of this? I was still praying, but hearing nothing. I was still faithfully attending Mass. I was still spending time in Adoration. Am I doing something wrong? Am I being tested or punished?
I'm sure many of you know what this feels like and have had similar questions. It's struggle to make it through the the things you used to delight in: giving God your time.
After seeking answers diligently, God finally gave me some answers.
In those times when we feel so far away, God is closer to us than any other time. He is, perhaps, even carrying you. Did you know that God wants to give us the desires of our hearts? Did you know He is more faithful to you than the most faithful servant or handmaid of God that ever walked the face of this earth? He delights in US!!! He doesn't expect us to be perfect, He doesn't expect us not to fail. He is the perfect One, the unfailing One... who, because of His love for us, pours Himself out for our sake that we may not have to suffer the consequences.
We have nothing to fear! So often, we create our own monsters. So often, we cause our own chaos. That is why it is so important during the good times, the times of peace, to build our strength through discipline. However, do not forfeit the relationship in the name of discipline. Discipline will keep us in a routine at all times, but building a relationship with God will give the motivation to remain disciplined.
So... My Lord, I choose to accept where You have me right now. Even though it doesn't seem to fit with the desires of my heart, somehow my life, as it is right now, is part of Your perfect plan for my redemption. I pray with a humble heart that You would use my life to bring You Glory. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
November 27, 2009
Uniting With Christ
Lately, I have been unable to sleep very well. I lay in bed for hours, a million things on my mind, keeping me awake. Or so I thought. It dawned on me that God may be trying to get my attention and I just ignored it. I think I will need to back up and explain a little bit more.
I went to a Healing Mass just a couple of weeks ago and when the Priest began praying over me, he told me some very specific things about my life, thoughts and feelings. He talked about my loneliness and pain, how I was hurt at a very young age (just an emotional wound), and how I want to be loved for my mind and heart and not my physical beauty, among many other things.
Some of the loneliness comes from desiring married life and realizing that, at the age of 27, I'm not getting any younger (haha). It's painful, you know? Have any of you ever felt this way? You desire a spouse to love and children to raise so much that it physically hurts? I'm not bringing this up so that you can pity me... No. My purpose is to share with you what I have learned through that pain.
More and more I have felt the need to offer up all my suffering for those I love and those who don't know the secret to my strength to endure this pain and carry on. But I haven't been very diligent (working on it...) and I haven't been certain of that being the end of what I am to do. This morning I got my answer.
Because of the Healing Mass a couple of weeks back, my parents now know of my struggles and they pray and worry (hopefully they pray more than they worry). Well, I spent the last two nights at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and this morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, my father approached me. He told me that he prays for me and that he felt like God was saying that what He wants is for me to unite my suffering with the Passion of our Blessed Savior.
Ouch. Ok... it's not like I don't want to do this, but I know it is going to be an extremely painful and difficult battle. The Lord gives me strength even though my flesh is weak. I ask for your prayers and I want all of my readers to know that you will be in my prayers too. God Bless you all.
Let us pray:
Let us pray:
Passion of Christ, Strengthen Me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me! Strengthen me under the pressure of temptation. Strengthen me when principle is at stake. Strengthen me to do Your Will, My God. Strengthen me in moments of suffering, in times of loneliness, in periods of depression. Strengthen me that I may never swerve from You, dear Christ, nor weaken through human respect, through a desire to be popular, through hope of social distinction. Strengthen me to accept my cross and carry it generously to the end. On the battlefield of life, stand by me that I may never prove a traitor in the ranks. Stand by me that I may not be dazzled by the glitter and glow of the enemy camp.
Amen.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me! Strengthen me under the pressure of temptation. Strengthen me when principle is at stake. Strengthen me to do Your Will, My God. Strengthen me in moments of suffering, in times of loneliness, in periods of depression. Strengthen me that I may never swerve from You, dear Christ, nor weaken through human respect, through a desire to be popular, through hope of social distinction. Strengthen me to accept my cross and carry it generously to the end. On the battlefield of life, stand by me that I may never prove a traitor in the ranks. Stand by me that I may not be dazzled by the glitter and glow of the enemy camp.
Amen.
October 03, 2009
A Forgiving Heart
Lately, I have realized that I have been going to confession more frequently. Usually once a week but sometimes twice in one week. The more I go, the more I realize I have to confess. There is a war going on right now for my soul. Each time I give in to sin, that is one battle lost. Each time I overcome a sin, it is a battle won.
One of the things I struggle with very often is forgiveness. Don't worry, it's no secret I keep just in the confession booth, a few friends and family members know this as well. I used to believe that to forgive someone, meant I had to love them. The thing is, I have it all backwards. Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. By forgiving, I receive the grace to love that person.
But, it doesn't mean I have to like them. I am not required to like the man who hurt me, the friend who betrayed me, nor the stranger who whispers rumors about me in the halls. Nor I am required or expected to forget, the memories of pain do fade with time but may never be forgotten. I am, however, required to treat each person as Christ would, with kindness. It's a difficult lesson to learn and a trial to put into practice. Especially when a person has hurt you deeply with physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. In fact, the loving thing for any person who is being abused in any manner, is to leave. God wants us to love and take care of ourselves too, however not to the point where we become vain, for that is a sin. By staying in an abusive relationship, people hurt themselves and unfortunately do not love themselves either.
Forgiving is letting go so that I (or you) can move forward in life and grow in relationship with Jesus Christ, our Redeemer. Guess what? I'm afraid to do that because I don't want, ever again, to like the people who have hurt me at any point in my life. And I most certainly don't feel like being nice to them. It is totally normal for a person to feel this way. Nevertheless, it is not good for our souls. If we hold on to that pain which has been inflicted upon us, it hurts us more than the other person. The only way to hurt less is to let go.
Honestly, this isn't easy for me. I think that somewhere, deep down inside, I feel that I can punish the person for hurting me by holding onto the pain. Silly me. I have to try to forgive others daily until I feel that I have finally let go of the pain they caused, and sometimes it comes back, so I have to try to forgive again. That can take a few days, months, or even years. Yet, with all this struggle to forgive, comes healing. The grace that covers me because I choose to forgive, helps me to love.
So, how does one forgive? Prayer and a conscious effort to let go. I found the following prayer both at Catholic.org and faithfulcatholicfriends.org
One of the things I struggle with very often is forgiveness. Don't worry, it's no secret I keep just in the confession booth, a few friends and family members know this as well. I used to believe that to forgive someone, meant I had to love them. The thing is, I have it all backwards. Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. By forgiving, I receive the grace to love that person.
But, it doesn't mean I have to like them. I am not required to like the man who hurt me, the friend who betrayed me, nor the stranger who whispers rumors about me in the halls. Nor I am required or expected to forget, the memories of pain do fade with time but may never be forgotten. I am, however, required to treat each person as Christ would, with kindness. It's a difficult lesson to learn and a trial to put into practice. Especially when a person has hurt you deeply with physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. In fact, the loving thing for any person who is being abused in any manner, is to leave. God wants us to love and take care of ourselves too, however not to the point where we become vain, for that is a sin. By staying in an abusive relationship, people hurt themselves and unfortunately do not love themselves either.
Forgiving is letting go so that I (or you) can move forward in life and grow in relationship with Jesus Christ, our Redeemer. Guess what? I'm afraid to do that because I don't want, ever again, to like the people who have hurt me at any point in my life. And I most certainly don't feel like being nice to them. It is totally normal for a person to feel this way. Nevertheless, it is not good for our souls. If we hold on to that pain which has been inflicted upon us, it hurts us more than the other person. The only way to hurt less is to let go.
Honestly, this isn't easy for me. I think that somewhere, deep down inside, I feel that I can punish the person for hurting me by holding onto the pain. Silly me. I have to try to forgive others daily until I feel that I have finally let go of the pain they caused, and sometimes it comes back, so I have to try to forgive again. That can take a few days, months, or even years. Yet, with all this struggle to forgive, comes healing. The grace that covers me because I choose to forgive, helps me to love.
So, how does one forgive? Prayer and a conscious effort to let go. I found the following prayer both at Catholic.org and faithfulcatholicfriends.org
To Forgive: Prayer for the Strength to Forgive
Faultless Lord, enduring death for me,
You have consummated the debt of my sins:
Your sacrifice of forgiveness was absolute!
Grant me the strength to also forgive others,
To excuse their transgressions against me.
So I may truly reflect this spiritual fruit,
Obliterate any persistent feelings of malice.
Let each trespass end as a closing chapter,
My continuing on the road of righteousness.
Forgive my sins as I aspire to forgive others.
You are truly archetypical of forgiveness.
You are a most forgiving Lord
You have consummated the debt of my sins:
Your sacrifice of forgiveness was absolute!
Grant me the strength to also forgive others,
To excuse their transgressions against me.
So I may truly reflect this spiritual fruit,
Obliterate any persistent feelings of malice.
Let each trespass end as a closing chapter,
My continuing on the road of righteousness.
Forgive my sins as I aspire to forgive others.
You are truly archetypical of forgiveness.
You are a most forgiving Lord
Amen
July 11, 2009
So Much Evil in the World
So often I hear people ask the question, "How can there be a God?" or "How could He care about us since there are so many bad things in this world?"
With the way the world is going, I'm not surprised in the least that people ask these questions, but oh... how my heart breaks when I hear those words! I'm sure many of you have had that very question asked of you or maybe, you are the one asking the question. Where do you go for answers? It seems that every where one turns, someone has their "own" solution: "What is good for you may not be good for me. What you believe is good for you is your truth."
There's a song I hear on the radio quite frequently called, "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It is an incredible song in which the Heath cries out to our Maker to reveal to him the brokenness of the world and a call to reach out with His love for all of mankind. This kind of love takes great sacrifice because it requires us to step out of our comfort zone and be selfless. Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, we must search out the heart of the problem. How did we get here? Why does it seem as if we are surrounded by 'bad things'? Why do bad things happen to good people? "...but in the beginning, it was not so." It was not until the fall of man (not to be confused with the male gender, rather humanity) that 'bad' things began to happen.
Now, many people would argue that, because we Christians believe in God, that we would not be subjected to the same evil, pain and suffering the rest of the world must face for their 'unbelief', if this God is really real. That is a subjective view of God, which many people have because, as humans, we have the tendency to limit God. One thing that people often misunderstand when it comes to knowing God, they think He must be some sort of dictator or authoritarian parent. Our God is actually quite the opposite. He is authoritative - I use this word loosely, as God cannot be bound by one title or concept, this is simply a metaphor. He is a loving God; who knows that if He made our choices for us, we would be slaves. Therefore, the Father set us free by giving us free will. Free will is God's way of allowing us to follow the call, His perfect will for our lives. When we choose that life, no amount of pain, suffering, or evil will be allowed to destroy us if we persevere. This does not mean that we receive "immunity" from it.
Evil, pain, and suffering. These three seeming "bad" circumstances are what cause us to grow and become strengthened in Christ. God allows these to happen so that we will turn our lives to Him more and more each day. He wants a relationship with us and He wants to bless us. God does not desire us to suffer, but wants us to realize that He can bring us the joy, healing, and life through that pain. There is evil in the world; should we not see that its existence is a sure sign that there is good too?
God will one day save us from all this pain and suffering and spare us from evil when we get to Heaven. Until then, we must know what evil is and experience pain so that we may be strengthened and know the sufferings of others and have compassion. Through suffering, God wants us to choose to put our trust and faith in Him instead of relying on ourselves. The only cure for all these "bad" things is Christ Jesus.
With the way the world is going, I'm not surprised in the least that people ask these questions, but oh... how my heart breaks when I hear those words! I'm sure many of you have had that very question asked of you or maybe, you are the one asking the question. Where do you go for answers? It seems that every where one turns, someone has their "own" solution: "What is good for you may not be good for me. What you believe is good for you is your truth."
There's a song I hear on the radio quite frequently called, "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It is an incredible song in which the Heath cries out to our Maker to reveal to him the brokenness of the world and a call to reach out with His love for all of mankind. This kind of love takes great sacrifice because it requires us to step out of our comfort zone and be selfless. Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, we must search out the heart of the problem. How did we get here? Why does it seem as if we are surrounded by 'bad things'? Why do bad things happen to good people? "...but in the beginning, it was not so." It was not until the fall of man (not to be confused with the male gender, rather humanity) that 'bad' things began to happen.
Now, many people would argue that, because we Christians believe in God, that we would not be subjected to the same evil, pain and suffering the rest of the world must face for their 'unbelief', if this God is really real. That is a subjective view of God, which many people have because, as humans, we have the tendency to limit God. One thing that people often misunderstand when it comes to knowing God, they think He must be some sort of dictator or authoritarian parent. Our God is actually quite the opposite. He is authoritative - I use this word loosely, as God cannot be bound by one title or concept, this is simply a metaphor. He is a loving God; who knows that if He made our choices for us, we would be slaves. Therefore, the Father set us free by giving us free will. Free will is God's way of allowing us to follow the call, His perfect will for our lives. When we choose that life, no amount of pain, suffering, or evil will be allowed to destroy us if we persevere. This does not mean that we receive "immunity" from it.
Evil, pain, and suffering. These three seeming "bad" circumstances are what cause us to grow and become strengthened in Christ. God allows these to happen so that we will turn our lives to Him more and more each day. He wants a relationship with us and He wants to bless us. God does not desire us to suffer, but wants us to realize that He can bring us the joy, healing, and life through that pain. There is evil in the world; should we not see that its existence is a sure sign that there is good too?
God will one day save us from all this pain and suffering and spare us from evil when we get to Heaven. Until then, we must know what evil is and experience pain so that we may be strengthened and know the sufferings of others and have compassion. Through suffering, God wants us to choose to put our trust and faith in Him instead of relying on ourselves. The only cure for all these "bad" things is Christ Jesus.
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