Help me Jesus

Please.... show me that I am worth fighting for....

Looking back Into the Desert

This is a journal entry I wrote during my journey into the desert in 2010. I wrote it on the 24th day of my journey (my journey was 141 days).

I took another step into the desert, and this is what I saw:
You (Jesus) standing, waiting for me, ever so patiently.
You took me by the hand, which I offered gingerly,
then swept me off my feet, unexpectedly.
I laughed as You carried me, clinging round your neck. I didn't see the desert as You spun me around, still in Your arms.
At last You set me down, but never left my side,
arm around my shoulders, walking in stride.
I questioned why I did not see the desert and this is what You said,
"My desert doesn't look like yours, I ravish you instead.
It is My time to be with you, but you must listen, My bride.
My word, Body, silence and prayer will be your guide.
Will you go deeper with Me now? Deeper than before?"
Tears of joy ran down my face,
as I realized that submitting myself to His love and receiving His grace,
are only difficult when I make it that way.
"Yes." I replied, how could say 'no'?
He is the lover of my soul.
The one I always wanted, right in front of me. To deny Him would be a denial of who I am: a beautifully created daughter of God.
To be romanced by Him would be divine. How can I say no?
I was happy with Him in that moment in the "desert", if I let Him in more often, would I not have greater joy and peace?
No, I cannot say no.
So You'll hear me say, penetrate my soul.

Love: Feeling or Will?

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I find myself swinging from determined to despairing. In one moment, knowing God has led me here and will continue to walk with/carry me, and the next moment, afraid God won't "keep His end of the deal". It's scary to die even more to myself, letting go of what I think I need from my husband, or what others tell me I need from him. Because really, all I need comes from Jesus.

If anyone tried to tell me how much suffering there is in marriage as we (hopefully) learn to surrender ourselves to God more than we ever imagined necessary, I didn't understand. But the pain is worse when we don't cling to God and instead cling our own selfish desires or rely on our spouse to make us happy. That's not marriage! My husband isn't here to make me happy, he's here to make me holy!

Love isn't a feeling. Feelings come and go, they are fickle.

Love is an act of the will: a choice one makes every day to love another regardless of feeling like you love them or if you loved by them.

How do we choose to love when our spouse hurts us (unknowingly)? It's so easy to slip into self pity, defensiveness, depression, self-sabotage, anger/resentment towards your spouse, a victim, etc. What do you do to pick yourself up and keep loving??

I am still searching for answers. But I do know where to find those answers. On my knees, asking God for a LOT of grace.

Feel free to comment if you have any suggestions. How do get past the momentary feelings and love your spouse even when it hurts?

A New Chapter

I am hoping to finally get back to blogging the way I used to.

My life is not what I planned it would be.  It's filled with many disappointments and suffering.  There is a constant battle between desire to surrender to God or to throw a pity party and resort to coping mechanisms.  Only, now the desire to let God be in charge is starting to win.  Thank GOD.

I have been married for about 2.5 years and have a 20 month old daughter.  From my perspective, I was thrown into marriage and parenthood rather quickly and have limped along since.  My spiritual life has suffered the most, with prayer and devotion to the Blessed Sacrament being put on the back burner almost entirely.  And when praying did happen (which was almost daily), it was with a bad attitude and not even half-hearted.

At last (2.5 years later...), I have reached my breaking point.  No more bare minimum faith.  No more avoidance of a prayer life.  No more blaming my 'situation'.  

Recently, I watched the movie War Room (excellent movie!), which was given to me by my husband (he had no idea he was opening Pandora's Box...).  It forced me to look at my life and realize, "I am Elizabeth".  No... I'm not referring to myself, the main character in the movie is also named Elizabeth.  Coincidence? I don't think so.  I was drawn to the idea of creating a "war room" of my own and praying there, for myself, my husband, daughter and anyone or anything else that God put on my heart.

I live in a tiny house.  Where on earth could I create a prayer space?  The closets weren't big enough (image that, my closets are so small that I can't create a prayer space within...), and it seemed every corner of the house was filled.  Finally it dawned on me.  There is a 2-3 foot wide walking space between my bed and the wall.  So I slid my night stand out of the corner about 4 feet and voilà!  I had a prayer space that my child can't get into.

There I placed journals, inspirational books, a Bible, and a half cork board - half white board to write notes and scriptures on.  I haven't used it a ton, but it has given me more motivation than I have had in about 3 years or so.  

Wives, I encourage you to do the same.  In upcoming posts, I will talk about spiritual warfare in marriage, suffering, and much more.  Please stay tuned, and if you want to hear more on a particular topic, let me know. 

God Bless you all.

Loss

Brief update: I entered the Sacrament of Matrimony in late summer of 2013. A month later, we were pregnant. We now have a beautiful, charming daughter with a will of her own and quite the comedic character. She is 1.5 years old today.

About 2 months ago, we found out we were pregnant again, and I was thrilled. I was so ready for another baby and for a little sibling for my first little girl.

One week ago I started spotting, but wasn't initially concerned. By Friday, I started bleeding. Saturday it got heavier throughout the day. Sunday morning, at 2:45am, I woke from a dream that I had miscarried. In fact, I was miscarrying. I woke my husband around 4am to tell him, and by 5:30am, I was checking into the hospital.

They did multiple tests and ultrasounds, and although my pregnancy hormones were still high, the ultrasounds revealed the truth. My baby was gone.

Now, I sit here, thinking "I would have been 10 weeks". Still waiting for my body to finish cleaning out, so that maybe we can try again soon. I haven't let myself cry much because I have a toddler to care for, but I have named my little girl and am rejoicing that she is with her brother and our Lord.

When I think of reasons why I feel sad, I think most are selfish. I think, 'It was such perfect timing: my 2 children would have been just over 2 years apart; I was ready, physically and emotionally'. Why didn't God let my will be done? Oh... hehe... right.

Finally, I realize I need to surrender... so much. I pray God give me the grace to let go.

Roses for Ashes

When I was less than one month away from my wedding day, I found that both of us (Matt and I) had already experienced many of the joys and sorrows of a relationship as we learned what it meant to make a commitment to each other forever.

It's not easy.  I still often feel like I offer Matt and God the ashes that my life appears to be.  So many times I hurt the man I love unintentionally.  So many times I am wounded by him.

My deepest longing in those moments is to simply be loved by him, and his desire is to be loved by me.  And you know what?  God asks me to die to this very desire.  WHAT?!?  Talk about painful.

The more I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried, the more I realize... It's painful now, but if I do it, if I choose to die to my desire for love, then I will find Joy and Peace.  If I don't, I will go through the cycle of tears, hurt feelings, and a shattered heart all over again.

I'm still learning this painful lesson. It's easier to withdraw than to make the difficult choice love instead of waiting to be loved. Lord, give me grace. I need it more than ever.

Reorienting the God-given Gift of Sex

Matt and I are finally starting to get the ball rolling on this whole blogging thing. :)  What grace we have received through engagement!  Since Matt and I became engaged, we have been discussing various aspects of married life for which we will need to prepare.  We have discussed things like parenting, money, generational sin, sex, conflict resolution, grace, etc.   

The other day, Matt was reflecting on his confirmation and receiving the Eucharist.  When he went to Mass and received Holy Communion the second time, it was very different.  He felt a power so incredible that he thought to himself, ‘This is what it's like to finally be in communion with Jesus!’

The other day, it got him thinking, "Sex within the sacrament of marriage must be like that…”  This began a reflection on his own past.  Matt realized that sex outside of marriage left him feeling unfulfilled.  It felt great in the moment but leaves one feeling crummy, like eating an entire box of chocolates by oneself.  Anyone would feel 'sick' afterward.

He presented another analogy to me (he's good at them).  Having sex before marriage is like taking a cake out of the oven too early.  It looks done on the outside and smells fantastic.  But try to cut into and start eating it, and you will discover the still liquid center is very unsatisfying.  Or a turkey... If you pull it out of the oven when you think it's done (without reading or following any directions) you may be disappointed to discover the outside cooked and inside raw.  It will make you sick.

God has given us a guide for how to 'use' sex.  When placed in the context of marriage (natural law), sex makes sense.  The turkey is cooked; the cake baked, and is very fulfilling.  Our society has thrown out the guide book (Bible) all in the name of personal pleasure and instant gratification.  (Please note that our explanation of sex is simplified here for the purpose of introducing this topic.)

How does sex (the marital embrace) relate to receiving the Eucharist then?  Well, since the bread and wine turn into the Body and Blood of Jesus, we become physically united with Jesus.  It is a deeper level of spiritual union with God.  So within marriage, couples are called to reflect that union with Christ through their bodies with each other.  “This is a great mystery.” (Eph. 5:32)

Thus, when people have sex outside of marriage, they are robbing themselves of the Truth, beauty, and love that lies within the union God created.  They miss the point.  So many people have sex for pleasure, love, and closeness with another human being.  An end in and of itself.  The point is that, through our physical union with another, we experience the spiritual union with God and are given a foretaste of heaven.  It is not meant to be an end in and of itself; rather it is meant to lead us to our eternal union with Christ Jesus in the Life yet to come.

A New Beginning

January 10th, 2013 is a day I will never forget.  It marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  On January 10th, 2012, I began dating a man who changed my life forever.  Through him, God brought to light many of my fears and began the difficult process of healing me.  Now, one year later, God has called us to move forward together in life toward marriage.  We are engaged.

I didn't know what to expect engagement to feel like, but I woke up the next day feeling like the same person (except for the fact that I had a ring on my finger and a song in my heart :)).  It feels weird to finally be able to say "I am engaged", to finally begin my journey towards fulfilling my vocation.  But I had to ask the question... What does it mean to be engaged??

I asked a friend this question and she said, "All I know is that there is a wedding at the end of it and that's pretty sweet!"  She was recently married, so she should know. :)

So, as I explore this new state in life, I will be blogging and sharing my experiences with all of you.  My betrothed will also be contributing to the blog from his experience.  If you have questions, comments, suggestions, please feel free to comment on my blogs and I will respond.

My engagement ring. :)

TRUST

So far, the whole practicing gratitude with my friend isn't going so well.  However, I am getting slightly better about being thankful; I am a work in progress.

Lately, I have been asking God to increase my trust in Him.  Have you ever heard someone say (or maybe you said...) "Don't pray for patience unless you are willing to have your patience tried"?  God is funny like that (well, perhaps not funny), He gives opportunities for growth.  I've discovered He doesn't do that just with patience, He also does it with trust (and many other things I'm sure).

A few days ago, I was experiencing extreme feelings of desolation, even though I know God is there, I could not feel His presence.  There were so many things on my mind for which I needed answers and all I got was silence.  Then I read a meditation in my Magnificat from last Saturday (I missed Saturday's, so I was catching up).  It talked about darkness of faith and how one experiences various negative feelings and doubts.  Exactly what I was going through.  

As I continued reading, it described how, in this state, God is not before me leading me.  Rather, He is behind me, holding and carrying me.  He is no longer the way and the truth, He is simply the LIFE.  Living in this way therefore, requires an increase in trust in God.  We cannot give into the fears and negativity, but, as Abraham did when asked to sacrifice his only son, embrace where God had brought him (or me...) and to do it well.  To trust Him completely that He will keep His promise to take care of me.

And He does...

Letting Go

A lot has happened since my last post.  I am in a relationship that only God could have planned.  Through him, God has healed me in so many ways.  For the first time in my life, I am able to accept the fact that there are always going to be differences of opinion, disagreements, miscommunications, etc... and, I'm actually okay with that. 

In the past, I have always run from conflict of any kind.  The experience of anxiety was (and still is to some degree) one thing I could give up at the drop of a hat.  And in the past, I did.  Break up with the guy = anxiety gone.  Ahhh.  I can breath again.  However, I am now discovering that I was missing the point of the anxiety.  Honestly looking back, I am grateful I didn't stay with any of my exes because God brought me the man I am with now. So what was I missing?  God was calling me to a deeper level.  There are three different aspects I have discovered thus far. 

The first is that anxiety is not of God.  Just look at when the priest says they Embolism every day at Mass between the Our Father and when we pray "for thine is the kingdom and the power..."  He says "Deliver us, Lord, we pray from every evil... ...we may always be free from sin and safe from all distress..."  Distress used to be anxiety in the previous translation, but they mean the same thing.  God's plan for us does not include feelings of anxiety or distress!  They are only from the evil one!  Anxiety never promotes the happiness that God desires to give us.

The second aspect, for me personally, is that it often came from my judgment of the guy.  I will be the first to confess that my greatest sin is pride and I have been judgmental of people because of it.  This is something God is continually challenging me to grow in through greater humility and trust in Him.

Finally, the way to prevent the judgment which causes the anxiety, is to practice gratitude (especially toward God, but being grateful towards other people helps too).  Now my question is, how do I go about doing this?  Obviously I'm not as grateful a person as I ought to be...Well, I can tell you the first thing I'm going to try.  My roommate came up with the idea to text each other once a day just one thing that we are grateful for.  I'll let you know how it goes. :)