The Lie

Last week, a Priest helped me to identify the source, or spring, which feeds all my sins. He did not know where this source came from except that it was some lie that I had believed when I was younger and has convinced me that I am that type of person, whatever that type is.

Last night, I realized what the lie was and is. It has been alive in me for more than a decade, if not nearly two decades. I am finally set free from this lie! I have named it and told it the truth, the Truth of the Word of God. I am FREE!!! :)

What is the source of your sin? Has someone important in your life decided that you were a certain way when you were young and you believed it? Not knowing that there could be more beyond what you have been told, you (like me) continue living your life after that point believing and living as if what you were told is absolute, unchangeable 'truth'. Maybe you've even told you're friends "Well this is the way I am so you better accept me as I am or you aren't my friend". Did you ever think that just maybe, it isn't true?

I know, you're whole world is caving in around you right now. I know what you're thinking... Here is a 27 year old girl telling me that after nearly two decades of struggle, she is finally figuring out who she really is for the first time. Wonder what I have to look forward to in my life... What am I supposed to do about it?

Well Christian, let me ask you this: How much do you really desire to know yourself? Not at all? A little? A lot? Completely? If you are at all uncertain whether you really want to know, you must pray. Ask God if He wants to reveal to you anything you don't know about yourself or something that you believe is you but really is something else. Don't give up. He will answer in His time. If you don't believe, pray for faith. It's worked for me during two completely different times in my life (including right now).

If you are certain you really want to know, you must pray. Ask God to make you into the man or woman that you were created to be. I warn you, He will answer you're prayer. And sometimes, it is painful. You will want to run. But I urge you, keep going Christian. After the pain, there is great healing and joy waiting for you. If you keep going, it will be a victory at the end, not emptiness. You will be given the strength to endure. You will be given the grace to conquer whatever comes into your path. But remember, pray always.

When your walk in life gets tough, remember one of the greatest saints we know. St. John Vianney was a less-than ordinary man. He was not very bright, but God still called him to the priesthood. He battled Satan his whole life. His was Thwarted over and over again. Yet, he prayed to God, most humbly, knowing his shortcomings and surrendering his life always for the souls of his children (the people of his parish). At the end of his life, the devil was conquered and thus God saved him and many others whose lives were transformed by St. Vianney's devotion to God and His people.

Brothers and sisters, I hope that I can be a source of encouragement for in this walk of life. I know the struggle, I know what it feels like to be knocked down and give up. Don't do it! Get back up! Let the Lord reach down and pick you up and dust you off. Accept the strength and grace He wants to give you, freely.

Then, and only then, my brothers and sisters, can you be set free. Join me in the most incredible freedom, the only freedom we can ever truly gain; through our Lord Jesus Christ who died and rose again, for YOU.

Let the Healing Begin

It's been quite some time since my last blog because of the Holidays, which seemed busier than years past. I had some time to reflect a lot more on my vacation in January than in the last several months (though it still wasn't nearly enough). The last blog I wrote conveyed the struggles that I was going through and the loneliness and pain I felt after ending a difficult relationship. So much has changed since then. Over the last several months, I have sought healing for the brokenness in my life.

My dearest brothers and sisters, I cannot emphasize enough what a difference this has made in my life. I encourage you to seek healing in your lives, the Lord wants to heal you! He created you to be whole, united with Him through every moment of your life. Do not hold on to the pain inflicted upon you, as if you deserve it. By doing so, you are telling God that you know better than He does what is best for you, and you will remain broken and separated from God. You were not created as a joke, some 'thing' that God plays with and enjoys watching suffer. God created us in love and to love. He knows and loves YOU.

How do you find healing? Through the Sacraments. Go to confession and Mass often! When you go to confession, really reflect on your life and use an examination of conscience to guide you to the areas in your life where you crucify Christ. When you go to Mass, pray beforehand and prepare yourself to receive the body of your Savior.

Something that has helped me is meeting with some people who are actually trained to do healing prayer over people. If you do this, make sure that the person or people you go to, have been trained! They can't help you if they haven't. I would also encourage you to get a Spiritual Director (again, someone who has had training).

We were not meant to walk this road alone, nor are we meant to remain broken by everything from our pasts. If you desire a better life, and a better world, pray the following prayer and seek healing:

"Dear Lord, let it begin with me. Amen."

Blessings.

Uniting With Christ

Lately, I have been unable to sleep very well. I lay in bed for hours, a million things on my mind, keeping me awake. Or so I thought. It dawned on me that God may be trying to get my attention and I just ignored it. I think I will need to back up and explain a little bit more.

I went to a Healing Mass just a couple of weeks ago and when the Priest began praying over me, he told me some very specific things about my life, thoughts and feelings. He talked about my loneliness and pain, how I was hurt at a very young age (just an emotional wound), and how I want to be loved for my mind and heart and not my physical beauty, among many other things.

Some of the loneliness comes from desiring married life and realizing that, at the age of 27, I'm not getting any younger (haha). It's painful, you know? Have any of you ever felt this way? You desire a spouse to love and children to raise so much that it physically hurts? I'm not bringing this up so that you can pity me... No. My purpose is to share with you what I have learned through that pain.

More and more I have felt the need to offer up all my suffering for those I love and those who don't know the secret to my strength to endure this pain and carry on. But I haven't been very diligent (working on it...) and I haven't been certain of that being the end of what I am to do. This morning I got my answer.

Because of the Healing Mass a couple of weeks back, my parents now know of my struggles and they pray and worry (hopefully they pray more than they worry). Well, I spent the last two nights at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and this morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, my father approached me. He told me that he prays for me and that he felt like God was saying that what He wants is for me to unite my suffering with the Passion of our Blessed Savior.

Ouch. Ok... it's not like I don't want to do this, but I know it is going to be an extremely painful and difficult battle. The Lord gives me strength even though my flesh is weak. I ask for your prayers and I want all of my readers to know that you will be in my prayers too. God Bless you all.

Let us pray:

Passion of Christ, Strengthen Me

Passion of Christ, strengthen me! Strengthen me under the pressure of temptation. Strengthen me when principle is at stake. Strengthen me to do Your Will, My God. Strengthen me in moments of suffering, in times of loneliness, in periods of depression. Strengthen me that I may never swerve from You, dear Christ, nor weaken through human respect, through a desire to be popular, through hope of social distinction. Strengthen me to accept my cross and carry it generously to the end. On the battlefield of life, stand by me that I may never prove a traitor in the ranks. Stand by me that I may not be dazzled by the glitter and glow of the enemy camp.
Amen.

The Road Less Traveled

You know the saying, "With great power comes great responsibility"? I think it comes from Luke 12:48 - "So then, of all to whom much has been given, much will be required. And of those to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be asked."

I was pondering this very idea as I attempted to have a nice, quiet evening, just reading a good book. But my mind would not have it. Too many thoughts were vying for my attention.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at myself. I wondered what I would look like when I'm not so young anymore, when gray overtakes my chocolate curls, and wrinkles replace my smooth skin. Will I have a furrowed brow from worry and distress? I know this all sounds random, but it is relevant, I promise."...of all to whom much has been given, much will be required". I know that I have been called to a life that is more than normal. Sometimes I wish I could live a 'normal' life. But I think that with all the responsibility I wouldn't have to have, I would miss the abundant blessings God wants to bestow upon me for continually striving to walk with Him.

It is a hard road. One wrought with pain, loneliness, suffering, heavy burdens, stress, the weight of the world, sometimes hopelessness. However, I believe that because I feel these things, I also feel the opposites with much more vibrancy. I feel the love of good family and friends, hope, joy, passion, victory, and healing.

I look at the people around me, many refusing to walk this road because it is 'uncool' or believing in God is dumb, it's for losers who have nothing better to do with their lives. This road is a challenge, it is not for the weak of heart. Belief in a seemingly intangible God is asking more than most people can imagine. But when He becomes real, you won't have to imagine. You will discover that God is already living in you, He's just waiting for an invitation to be a part of your life.

I wonder if, because I walk this road, I will have more stress lines and gray hairs than the average person. It will all be worth it in the end.

Nothing..... but Love

Right now I am in a study group that is going through JPII's "Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body". During our last study group, we discussed the concept of God creating man. The following was what we found:

As many of you know, 1 Cor. 13 is known as the Love Chapter. You know: "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous..." But often we skip the first part of that chapter, verses 1-3. Take a moment to read those verses now before continuing to read.

Did you read the part about how we are nothing if we do not have love? More importantly, did you understand it?

The reason we must have love is because that is how we were created. God didn't take a bunch of stuff, threw it in a pot, stirred every 2 minutes until done, and then called it "Man". What He did do is take a bunch of dust to give us form, but we could not exist merely through dust (which really is nothing on it's own, if you think about it). We were created, given life, with nothing that we can fathom. Now by definition, giving cannot refer to nothing. Giving must define the giver (God), the receiver (us), and the relation established between them (we are created and loved by God and in return, love Him back).

Does it make a little bit of sense now? If we have love in our hearts, it shines through because that is what we are made of. People can see God in us if we love, it is the gift. Did you know that we are the only ones granted this gift? "Man" (humans) is the only species on the planet that can love and be loved. Isn't that incredible and amazing?!

Today, instead of grumbling and complaining, LOVE somebody. This world is crying out for love, even me, even you. It's not easy to love always, but it's so incredibly worth it.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

A Forgiving Heart

Lately, I have realized that I have been going to confession more frequently. Usually once a week but sometimes twice in one week. The more I go, the more I realize I have to confess. There is a war going on right now for my soul. Each time I give in to sin, that is one battle lost. Each time I overcome a sin, it is a battle won.

One of the things I struggle with very often is forgiveness. Don't worry, it's no secret I keep just in the confession booth, a few friends and family members know this as well. I used to believe that to forgive someone, meant I had to love them. The thing is, I have it all backwards. Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. By forgiving, I receive the grace to love that person.

But, it doesn't mean I have to like them. I am not required to like the man who hurt me, the friend who betrayed me, nor the stranger who whispers rumors about me in the halls. Nor I am required or expected to forget, the memories of pain do fade with time but may never be forgotten. I am, however, required to treat each person as Christ would, with kindness. It's a difficult lesson to learn and a trial to put into practice. Especially when a person has hurt you deeply with physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. In fact, the loving thing for any person who is being abused in any manner, is to leave. God wants us to love and take care of ourselves too, however not to the point where we become vain, for that is a sin. By staying in an abusive relationship, people hurt themselves and unfortunately do not love themselves either.

Forgiving is letting go so that I (or you) can move forward in life and grow in relationship with Jesus Christ, our Redeemer. Guess what? I'm afraid to do that because I don't want, ever again, to like the people who have hurt me at any point in my life. And I most certainly don't feel like being nice to them. It is totally normal for a person to feel this way. Nevertheless, it is not good for our souls. If we hold on to that pain which has been inflicted upon us, it hurts us more than the other person. The only way to hurt less is to let go.

Honestly, this isn't easy for me. I think that somewhere, deep down inside, I feel that I can punish the person for hurting me by holding onto the pain. Silly me. I have to try to forgive others daily until I feel that I have finally let go of the pain they caused, and sometimes it comes back, so I have to try to forgive again. That can take a few days, months, or even years. Yet, with all this struggle to forgive, comes healing. The grace that covers me because I choose to forgive, helps me to love.

So, how does one forgive? Prayer and a conscious effort to let go. I found the following prayer both at Catholic.org and faithfulcatholicfriends.org

To Forgive: Prayer for the Strength to Forgive

Faultless Lord, enduring death for me,
You have consummated the debt of my sins:
Your sacrifice of forgiveness was absolute!
Grant me the strength to also forgive others,
To excuse their transgressions against me.
So I may truly reflect this spiritual fruit,
Obliterate any persistent feelings of malice.
Let each trespass end as a closing chapter,
My continuing on the road of righteousness.
Forgive my sins as I aspire to forgive others.
You are truly archetypical of forgiveness.
You are a most forgiving Lord

Amen

Romancing My Soul

Have you ever allowed God to romance you?

This isn't just for girls, but guys are usually romanced by God in a different way. So please keep in mind that this is from a woman's perspective.

Let me tell you, allowing God to romance you takes a lot of time and effort, just like any other relationship. It also requires trust. I am by no means perfect. I fail every day. But since my last blog, in which I wrote about my discovery of my true self, I have had the burning desire to not be the selfish me that I have been. I now desire, more than anything, to be Holy and humble.

He tries to reach out to us when we are hurting, happy, sad, angry, rejoicing, broken, scared, and all the in between moments. In those moments, if we let Him be our Savior, He will bless us. Maybe not in the way we expected, or even wanted, but it will be something greater, if we let Him. And He may also use those moments to romance you. You know that saying "Stop and smell the roses"? Well, when God romances you, He wants to you to stop, even for but a moment to glory in that thing, whether great or small, that He did, just for YOU.

He speaks to me
in a whisper,
Romancing my Soul
like no other.
In Him, I have peace
when I trust in His love
He guides me with strength;
He is my warrior.
Gentle is His touch,
deep is His love
He pursues me with vigor,
and relentless love.
Never will He let me go
and forever
will He romance my Soul.
by Elizabeth Dorthalina

Letting Go

It's tough, I know. Searching your Soul for the things which stain it, causing it to rot and ruin your life, is painful. And giving those things to God, willingly, is even more painful.

I'm sitting here, only two days into the painful process of searching my unconscious for things which prevent me from moving forward. I am realizing just how difficult I've made it to trust God in my life. I put up barriers and walls, all the while thinking that I am trying my hardest to surrender my life "fully". It's prevented me from having the kind of relationships I want with my parents, siblings, friends, and even men whom I have considered for marriage.

I'm listening to a song on the radio and the lyrics are "If you gotta start somewhere, why not here? If you gotta start sometime, why not now? If we gotta start somewhere, I say here. If we gotta start sometime, I say now." (City On Our Knees - Toby Mac)

I agree, why not here and now? My prayer is that, those of you who read the following will be challenged to go beyond your comfort zones so that you may serve God fully as I know I will be capable of once I walk through the fire.

The walls which hold me prisoner in the subconsciousness of my mind, were revealed to me only two days ago. When I realized it was the truth about my life, I was devastated. How can I fully serve the Lord in this state of mind? I cannot. I must do something about it. What I need is healing. This unforgiving heart has held me back for far too long, most of my life that I remember. I am beginning the process on my own until I find someone like a priest who councils people with similar situations. So, yesterday I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament and began to pray.

Our prayers must always begin with praise; glorifying the God who gave us life. Then we must consciously choose to give the life He gave us, back to Him as gift. This is hard. Sometimes it requires giving God the things we don't want Him to see, even the things we don't want to see in ourselves. We must lay down our pride, our desires, our demise. We have to be ready now to see it God's way, as Jeremy Camp sings in "Lay Down My Pride". We have to stop being selfish and humble ourselves at the feet of the God who saves. It feels like purging the body of all the blackness within and it is physically painful.

With tears streaming down my face, I cried out to God, struggling to make myself a gift to Him.

Ok, this is definitely the night of "songs which speak to Elizabeth." There's a song by Hawk Nelson called "Let's Dance". It says, "I don't want to look inside myself cuz then I'll have to change something else. No, I don't want to live like someone else, I'm happy in my skin, me and myself, let's dance." This song expresses perfectly, the struggle I, and many others, go through every day. I don't want to look inside because I fear having to change and I'm comfortable with this "me and myself dance".

So I choose to give God all this within me, all that is under the surface and I could not see for myself until someone else opened my eyes. It's going to take time, effort, sweat and tears. It is painful, but I want more. I need to feel that pain, so I know I am not numb or dead. The pain is purifying fire. I want to give more of myself to God so that He may heal me. He is my Hero who will save me from myself if I choose to let Him. Let us pray:

Dear Lord,
Thank You for being my Savior and God,
Thank You for setting me free from these chains
With this freedom, I choose to serve You
It is for Your glory and not my own.
This will be a great struggle
But I know You are with me each step of the way
Thank You for not letting me go during this time
As I walk through the purifying fires
Thank You Father, for Your unconditional love and forgiveness
And help me Daddy, to be more like You.
Because I want to be Holy, just like You.
Amen.

So Much Evil in the World

So often I hear people ask the question, "How can there be a God?" or "How could He care about us since there are so many bad things in this world?"

With the way the world is going, I'm not surprised in the least that people ask these questions, but oh... how my heart breaks when I hear those words! I'm sure many of you have had that very question asked of you or maybe, you are the one asking the question. Where do you go for answers? It seems that every where one turns, someone has their "own" solution: "What is good for you may not be good for me. What you believe is good for you is your truth."

There's a song I hear on the radio quite frequently called, "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It is an incredible song in which the Heath cries out to our Maker to reveal to him the brokenness of the world and a call to reach out with His love for all of mankind. This kind of love takes great sacrifice because it requires us to step out of our comfort zone and be selfless. Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, we must search out the heart of the problem. How did we get here? Why does it seem as if we are surrounded by 'bad things'? Why do bad things happen to good people? "...but in the beginning, it was not so." It was not until the fall of man (not to be confused with the male gender, rather humanity) that 'bad' things began to happen.

Now, many people would argue that, because we Christians believe in God, that we would not be subjected to the same evil, pain and suffering the rest of the world must face for their 'unbelief', if this God is really real. That is a subjective view of God, which many people have because, as humans, we have the tendency to limit God. One thing that people often misunderstand when it comes to knowing God, they think He must be some sort of dictator or authoritarian parent. Our God is actually quite the opposite. He is authoritative - I use this word loosely, as God cannot be bound by one title or concept, this is simply a metaphor. He is a loving God; who knows that if He made our choices for us, we would be slaves. Therefore, the Father set us free by giving us free will. Free will is God's way of allowing us to follow the call, His perfect will for our lives. When we choose that life, no amount of pain, suffering, or evil will be allowed to destroy us if we persevere. This does not mean that we receive "immunity" from it.

Evil, pain, and suffering. These three seeming "bad" circumstances are what cause us to grow and become strengthened in Christ. God allows these to happen so that we will turn our lives to Him more and more each day. He wants a relationship with us and He wants to bless us. God does not desire us to suffer, but wants us to realize that He can bring us the joy, healing, and life through that pain. There is evil in the world; should we not see that its existence is a sure sign that there is good too?

God will one day save us from all this pain and suffering and spare us from evil when we get to Heaven. Until then, we must know what evil is and experience pain so that we may be strengthened and know the sufferings of others and have compassion. Through suffering, God wants us to choose to put our trust and faith in Him instead of relying on ourselves. The only cure for all these "bad" things is Christ Jesus.

Total Surrender

This is a poem I wrote during a time when God was pulling me out of my darkness, out of a life far away from Him, and calling me to surrender my life to Him. If you intend to share it with others, please give credit where credit is due.

It has been a long dry season
away from You, my God.
A time when I was desperately alone.
That is how I felt.
But You never left my side
Not once, did You let go.
You always hoped for my return
and held me close in the night.
My future was dark,
A shadow cast
I couldn't bear the thought of my past,
Nor a future
With our without You.
I walked away, chose...
Not You; but the world instead.
Shame, guilt, pride.
I surrender all to You now -
I am finally Free!

by Elizabeth Dorthalina