Loss

Brief update: I entered the Sacrament of Matrimony in late summer of 2013. A month later, we were pregnant. We now have a beautiful, charming daughter with a will of her own and quite the comedic character. She is 1.5 years old today.

About 2 months ago, we found out we were pregnant again, and I was thrilled. I was so ready for another baby and for a little sibling for my first little girl.

One week ago I started spotting, but wasn't initially concerned. By Friday, I started bleeding. Saturday it got heavier throughout the day. Sunday morning, at 2:45am, I woke from a dream that I had miscarried. In fact, I was miscarrying. I woke my husband around 4am to tell him, and by 5:30am, I was checking into the hospital.

They did multiple tests and ultrasounds, and although my pregnancy hormones were still high, the ultrasounds revealed the truth. My baby was gone.

Now, I sit here, thinking "I would have been 10 weeks". Still waiting for my body to finish cleaning out, so that maybe we can try again soon. I haven't let myself cry much because I have a toddler to care for, but I have named my little girl and am rejoicing that she is with her brother and our Lord.

When I think of reasons why I feel sad, I think most are selfish. I think, 'It was such perfect timing: my 2 children would have been just over 2 years apart; I was ready, physically and emotionally'. Why didn't God let my will be done? Oh... hehe... right.

Finally, I realize I need to surrender... so much. I pray God give me the grace to let go.