When I was less than one month away from my wedding day, I found that both of us (Matt and I) had already experienced many of the joys and sorrows of a relationship as we learned what it meant to make a commitment to each other forever.
It's not easy. I still often feel like I offer Matt and God the ashes that my life appears to be. So many times I hurt the man I love unintentionally. So many times I am wounded by him.
My deepest longing in those moments is to simply be loved by him, and his desire is to be loved by me. And you know what? God asks me to die to this very desire. WHAT?!? Talk about painful.
The more I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried, the more I realize... It's painful now, but if I do it, if I choose to die to my desire for love, then I will find Joy and Peace. If I don't, I will go through the cycle of tears, hurt feelings, and a shattered heart all over again.
I'm still learning this painful lesson. It's easier to withdraw than to make the difficult choice love instead of waiting to be loved. Lord, give me grace. I need it more than ever.
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