Roses for Ashes

When I was less than one month away from my wedding day, I found that both of us (Matt and I) had already experienced many of the joys and sorrows of a relationship as we learned what it meant to make a commitment to each other forever.

It's not easy.  I still often feel like I offer Matt and God the ashes that my life appears to be.  So many times I hurt the man I love unintentionally.  So many times I am wounded by him.

My deepest longing in those moments is to simply be loved by him, and his desire is to be loved by me.  And you know what?  God asks me to die to this very desire.  WHAT?!?  Talk about painful.

The more I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried, the more I realize... It's painful now, but if I do it, if I choose to die to my desire for love, then I will find Joy and Peace.  If I don't, I will go through the cycle of tears, hurt feelings, and a shattered heart all over again.

I'm still learning this painful lesson. It's easier to withdraw than to make the difficult choice love instead of waiting to be loved. Lord, give me grace. I need it more than ever.

Reorienting the God-given Gift of Sex

Matt and I are finally starting to get the ball rolling on this whole blogging thing. :)  What grace we have received through engagement!  Since Matt and I became engaged, we have been discussing various aspects of married life for which we will need to prepare.  We have discussed things like parenting, money, generational sin, sex, conflict resolution, grace, etc.   

The other day, Matt was reflecting on his confirmation and receiving the Eucharist.  When he went to Mass and received Holy Communion the second time, it was very different.  He felt a power so incredible that he thought to himself, ‘This is what it's like to finally be in communion with Jesus!’

The other day, it got him thinking, "Sex within the sacrament of marriage must be like that…”  This began a reflection on his own past.  Matt realized that sex outside of marriage left him feeling unfulfilled.  It felt great in the moment but leaves one feeling crummy, like eating an entire box of chocolates by oneself.  Anyone would feel 'sick' afterward.

He presented another analogy to me (he's good at them).  Having sex before marriage is like taking a cake out of the oven too early.  It looks done on the outside and smells fantastic.  But try to cut into and start eating it, and you will discover the still liquid center is very unsatisfying.  Or a turkey... If you pull it out of the oven when you think it's done (without reading or following any directions) you may be disappointed to discover the outside cooked and inside raw.  It will make you sick.

God has given us a guide for how to 'use' sex.  When placed in the context of marriage (natural law), sex makes sense.  The turkey is cooked; the cake baked, and is very fulfilling.  Our society has thrown out the guide book (Bible) all in the name of personal pleasure and instant gratification.  (Please note that our explanation of sex is simplified here for the purpose of introducing this topic.)

How does sex (the marital embrace) relate to receiving the Eucharist then?  Well, since the bread and wine turn into the Body and Blood of Jesus, we become physically united with Jesus.  It is a deeper level of spiritual union with God.  So within marriage, couples are called to reflect that union with Christ through their bodies with each other.  “This is a great mystery.” (Eph. 5:32)

Thus, when people have sex outside of marriage, they are robbing themselves of the Truth, beauty, and love that lies within the union God created.  They miss the point.  So many people have sex for pleasure, love, and closeness with another human being.  An end in and of itself.  The point is that, through our physical union with another, we experience the spiritual union with God and are given a foretaste of heaven.  It is not meant to be an end in and of itself; rather it is meant to lead us to our eternal union with Christ Jesus in the Life yet to come.

A New Beginning

January 10th, 2013 is a day I will never forget.  It marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life.  On January 10th, 2012, I began dating a man who changed my life forever.  Through him, God brought to light many of my fears and began the difficult process of healing me.  Now, one year later, God has called us to move forward together in life toward marriage.  We are engaged.

I didn't know what to expect engagement to feel like, but I woke up the next day feeling like the same person (except for the fact that I had a ring on my finger and a song in my heart :)).  It feels weird to finally be able to say "I am engaged", to finally begin my journey towards fulfilling my vocation.  But I had to ask the question... What does it mean to be engaged??

I asked a friend this question and she said, "All I know is that there is a wedding at the end of it and that's pretty sweet!"  She was recently married, so she should know. :)

So, as I explore this new state in life, I will be blogging and sharing my experiences with all of you.  My betrothed will also be contributing to the blog from his experience.  If you have questions, comments, suggestions, please feel free to comment on my blogs and I will respond.

My engagement ring. :)